Two blonde bitches and a denim vest.

Feeling awkward for someone else is bullshit.

On the Red Line yesterday there was to attractive young ladies sitting across from me. They were superficially attractive mind you -blond, thin, and adorned in expensive clothes. After a minute a young man, pierced enough to make a colander jealous and wearing denim that must have been unearthed from the grave of Levi Strauss himself came limping along. Unbalanced and brandishing a sneer like a putty knife the man turned and revealed an eye patch. The eye patch itself was no bother but the half hazard way it was sitting on the mans forehead was. It reminded me of a broken window shutter on an old house.

He sat in the last seat between the superficially hot women and the end of the train car. He looked at one, not 10 inches from her face, and asked "What color are your eyes? I wish I had a pair of eyes like that." I was floored! What a line! How would she react to the painfully stringent irony being forced upon her!?

"Oh thanks!" she smiled at him. She then quickly straightened up and turned into him, "What color are they today?"

"Gray! Do they change? That's neat."

"Yeah they change. They're usually blue but they're gray today eh?" she smiled at him.

At first I couldn't figure it out. Then it hit me, she was teasing him! They both were! How fuckin' mean is this shit?! Sure this kid was a little creepy and gross but these bitches were luring him in with false hopes. I couldn't watch. This was going to end badly.

"Why are you wearing flip flops?" he asked the 2nd chick, "it's cold!"

"Oh I'm fine, I don't get cold I'm pretty warm blooded. Why aren't you wearing sleeves?"

"Cuz it's a vest," he said looking down at his chest.

Then they did it. Was I watching a fucking TV show!? They looked at each other with evil smiles and chicky number two looked back at the sieve and sgroweld, "vests are hawt!"

What.

The.

Fuck.

I couldn't stomach it. I was keeled over in my seat grasping my stomach and rubbing my forehead. I couldn't handle this. I felt embarrassed for all involved. I wanted to throw up a little in my mouth and I started seeing spots from rubbing my head to excessively.

WHY!?

Why did I give a fuck? Someone tell me. Someone figure this shit out for me!

At Harvard square the girls got off... he fallowed. I'm sure somewhere there's two hot bitches or one dumb creepster dead in a ditch somewhere.

Damn.

-Raw

The Gong Impression

It happened again.

I was riding the subway into the city on a busy Saturday afternoon. The train car was packed with people standing shoulder to shoulder, eager to get out and enjoy the early spring weather. I was squeezed in close to the exit door between a group of gum-chomping middle schoolers and a pack of college-age asian women.

As we passed through central square, I leaned back to let a few folks off of the train.

The middle schoolers were chatting about which shoes they wanted to buy. I swallowed hard to try and purge the imagery of their bony chicken legs crammed into some useless piece of gaudy leather. They were clearly going all the way into the city. Great.

The train creeped onward- almost as if weighed down by the crowd inside. We have sent men to the moon, invented computers that can fit inside of the palm of our hands, and replicated the human genome, but for some reason we cannot get a train to move any quicker than a grocery store scooter cart. The asians were laughing loudly about something and speaking in a language I did not understand. The train was started to slow as it approached the next stop.

As the car slowed to a halt, I looked through the window to see the words "Kendall/MIT". Whew. I would have to deal with the pre-teens for a few more stops, but the incoherent laughing from the Asian crew was over. I stepped to the side to allow them to step out and return to the MIT campus.

But they didn't move.

I froze. The doors were about to close and they hadn't taken a step to the exit. I did a double take just to make sure that we were at the MIT stop. We were. I shot a glance at the group as if to ask "Uhh. Hello? Asians? We're at your stop". They met me with a blank stare.

I stepped back into my spot in the train car. Our eyes remained locked. They weren't getting off at Kendall/MIT.

Whoops.

-Dave