A True Bailout...

Reenactment of a conversation at Nevada Senator John Ensign's dinner table:

Mom/Dad: Hi Johnny. How was your day?

JE: It was okay... Hey mom and dad, can I borrow $96,000?

Mom/Dad: Hmm... what for?

JE: Well, I've been having an extramarital affair for the last 9 months with someone that works for me. I've pursued her pretty relentlessly and it has really torn her marriage apart. I want to pay her and her family $96,000 to keep things quiet and I know that if the money comes from my wallet, that would be bad news. What do you say?

Mom/Dad: ...Okay.

... Seems like the workings of a bad hollywood drama, but this is real life! That's right, Nevada Republican Senator John Ensign recently disclosed an affair he had been having with Cynthia Hampton- a former member of his staff. And the story that is unfolding is worthy of a movie (co-starring Mark Sanford??). Ensign's parents wrote the Hamptons a check for almost $100K after they left his staff (they both used to work for him).

If you are still a little unsure about who Sen. Ensign is, here are a few facts that may jog your memory:

• He serves on the Senate Committee on Rules and Administration
  
• He received a 100% rating by the Christian Coalition (founded by Pat Robertson) for his pro-family voting record (2003)
• He eloquently stated in a 2006 senate debate:
  

My Nevada roots go back to my great-grandparents, who settled our state in the early 1900s. They created and passed down a work ethic and values of have integrity that I have embraced my entire life. I’ve tried to instill those Nevada values in my own children. We need proven Nevada leadership to keep Nevada strong. We need leaders with a deep understanding of our state. We need proven Nevada leadership to keep Nevada strong.

... But this hypocrisy and bigotry are becoming very common on the right side of the aisle. The amazing thing here is that his parents forked over almost $100,000 dollars to fund his extramarital affair! They were accomplices in his hypocrisy and players in his infidelity.

Forget the "birds and the bees" talk- asking mom and dad to help you out with that one must be incredibly awkward...

-Dave

Zing!

Disagreement often breeds awkwardness. Check out Exhibit A...

... How do you respond to that??

So in honor of Mr Baldwin, we will start a list of famous people (or atleast recognizable ones) who claim to stand for one thing and live quite another... Feel free to add your own

Jack Cafferty
Mark Sanford (SC gov. with a conservative mind and a liberal penis)
Bill O'Reilly (check this out)
...

Beating a very dead horse...

Here is CNN's web page from two days ago, doctored up a bit... Apparently something happened with Michael Jackson.

California...knows how to party

I realize many of our readers are California based, and therefore, may be a little more sympathetic to the Michael Jackson hubbub. After all, he does represent the three major pillars of the California lifestyle:

1. Debt- Ah yes. MJ's highly anticipated tour in Europe was going to help chip away at his roughly $500 million debt and get him back into the black (not like that)... If only California could dance.
2. Excess- It goes hand in hand with debt. But in the case of both MJ and Cali, a little debt is no reason to curb excesses. Jackson was carried into his $2.5 million memorial service in a golden coffin. The voters of California keep passing referendums for infrastructure and social programs without having the money to fund them.
   
3. Refusal- Again, a tag-along of debt and excess. In the case of Cali, its refusing to pay an extra penny in taxes to fund the crumpling schools, public transportation systems, environmental services, and social programs that seem to get approved every time there is a vote. In the case of MJ, its about relationships: Billie Jean is not his lover. The kid is not his son.

... So its commendable that CNN keeps the MJ news coming. Because when I check my text messages for breaking news, I certainly don't want to hear about global warming, healthcare reform, foreign policy, the war in Iraq, technological terrorism, the economic recession, the national budget, or environmental disasters. I want a 140-character message about golden coffins and white gloves. Yea, some of that California shit.

-Dave (fully acknowledging that Raw may kill me for this)

MJ...More BREAKING NEWS

Here is another one. No joke...

CNN Breaking news - At memorial service in L.A., Michael Jackson's daughter Paris says he was "the best father you could ever imagine."

-Dave

MJ

The previous post is a text message I received from CNN (I am subscribed to receive all Breaking News reports).Thank goodness for hard-hitting journalism...

...CNN has continued to update me throughout the service...

1:59 pm: CNN Breaking News- Ushers at Michael Jackson's memorial pass around pairs of MJ's underwear for crowd to sniff.

2:03 pm: CNN Breaking News- Atleast 200 people crying at Michael Jackson's memorial. Everyone is paying attention to the service and seems fixated at the golden coffin on stage.

2:09 pm: CNN Breaking News- Michael Jackson is still dead

-Dave

BREAKING NEWS!!

Text message update:

CNN Breaking news - Michael Jackson's golden coffin is placed in front of the stage as his memorial service gets under way in Los Angeles.

Job Applications- Part I

I have been applying for a lot of jobs lately. The process is tremendously agonizing, and I can only begin to describe the sense of worthlessness that materializes when you are staring at your cursor blink incessantly from line 27 of your resume...

For starters, the task of sifting through your life and making it fit on a single piece of paper is daunting and humbling. This is true for obvious reasons- we wont get into them in any detail here. Writing a resume is a 3-hour, 400-word reminder that you suck.

So in order to make the process less aweful and more interesting, I am recommending a few changes to take immediate effect:

(1) Allow pictures. According to folklore, pictures are worth one thousand words. Its also true that pictures take less time to read than their literary equivalent. Allowing photographs and hand-drawn images would reveal much more about the applicant, and would take much less time to review.

An example: "... I worked tirelessly in all aspects of office development including: staff management, training, payroll, hiring, basic office logistics, tracking correspondence, and developing a comprehensive organizational system to promote efficiency." vs. this.

(2) Two truths and a lie. We all know the old game where you list off three "facts" about you (only 2 of which are true) and make other players guess which one is a lie. It occupied us on thousands of road trips growing up and continues to be a favorite icebreaker at office outings around the country. So why not bring it to the application process. If carried out properly, it would surely spark interest in a candidate and give them a chance to be noticed.

An example:

Manager, John and John's Office Supplies May 2004-August 2007
- Tracked payroll, managed staff, and conducted all hiring for this company
- Awarded employee of the month 6/06 and 3/07

Human Resources Specialist, Innovate Inc. June 2000-April 2004
- Responsible for hiring publications, application review, administering interviews
- Typing 70 wpm, familiar with Microsoft Word and Excel

King of England, England April 1737- April 1755
- Oversaw advancement and growth of the British Empire
- Comfortable with many important monarchical tasks including: appointing team of advisors, troop deployment, giving really big speeches, thwarting colonial attempts at secession, conducting public beheadings, wearing heavy jewel-studded crown.


(3) Hidden messages. Everybody can write messages that mean something. But most people can't write messages that mean multiple things. Hidden messages are an excellent way for applicants to convey a depth of character that would otherwise be absent in a normal resume. Plus they are really cool.

An example:

"While at the company, I used a variety of organizational techniques to keep documents in order. My work for our firm made me skilled and able to improve the lives of my coworkers."

... on the surface, that seems perfectly normal. But if you look a little closer, you will see something more. And perhaps something of value to the potential employer...

"While at the company, I used a variety of organizational techniques to keep documents in order. My work for our firm made me skilled and able to improve the lives of my coworkers."

... The current dance between potential employer and prospective employee has gotten stale and unexciting. These simple additions can have potentially important benefits for both parties. I suggest that employers begin to welcome these changes immediately (and, for my benefit, retroactively).

-Dave

Words are Funny

Courting someone and bringing someone to court have entirely different meanings...

-Dave

Genesis...2

For those of you still out there...

...Im starting up again. Stay tuned for blog posts.

Dave