Job Applications- Part I

I have been applying for a lot of jobs lately. The process is tremendously agonizing, and I can only begin to describe the sense of worthlessness that materializes when you are staring at your cursor blink incessantly from line 27 of your resume...

For starters, the task of sifting through your life and making it fit on a single piece of paper is daunting and humbling. This is true for obvious reasons- we wont get into them in any detail here. Writing a resume is a 3-hour, 400-word reminder that you suck.

So in order to make the process less aweful and more interesting, I am recommending a few changes to take immediate effect:

(1) Allow pictures. According to folklore, pictures are worth one thousand words. Its also true that pictures take less time to read than their literary equivalent. Allowing photographs and hand-drawn images would reveal much more about the applicant, and would take much less time to review.

An example: "... I worked tirelessly in all aspects of office development including: staff management, training, payroll, hiring, basic office logistics, tracking correspondence, and developing a comprehensive organizational system to promote efficiency." vs. this.

(2) Two truths and a lie. We all know the old game where you list off three "facts" about you (only 2 of which are true) and make other players guess which one is a lie. It occupied us on thousands of road trips growing up and continues to be a favorite icebreaker at office outings around the country. So why not bring it to the application process. If carried out properly, it would surely spark interest in a candidate and give them a chance to be noticed.

An example:

Manager, John and John's Office Supplies May 2004-August 2007
- Tracked payroll, managed staff, and conducted all hiring for this company
- Awarded employee of the month 6/06 and 3/07

Human Resources Specialist, Innovate Inc. June 2000-April 2004
- Responsible for hiring publications, application review, administering interviews
- Typing 70 wpm, familiar with Microsoft Word and Excel

King of England, England April 1737- April 1755
- Oversaw advancement and growth of the British Empire
- Comfortable with many important monarchical tasks including: appointing team of advisors, troop deployment, giving really big speeches, thwarting colonial attempts at secession, conducting public beheadings, wearing heavy jewel-studded crown.


(3) Hidden messages. Everybody can write messages that mean something. But most people can't write messages that mean multiple things. Hidden messages are an excellent way for applicants to convey a depth of character that would otherwise be absent in a normal resume. Plus they are really cool.

An example:

"While at the company, I used a variety of organizational techniques to keep documents in order. My work for our firm made me skilled and able to improve the lives of my coworkers."

... on the surface, that seems perfectly normal. But if you look a little closer, you will see something more. And perhaps something of value to the potential employer...

"While at the company, I used a variety of organizational techniques to keep documents in order. My work for our firm made me skilled and able to improve the lives of my coworkers."

... The current dance between potential employer and prospective employee has gotten stale and unexciting. These simple additions can have potentially important benefits for both parties. I suggest that employers begin to welcome these changes immediately (and, for my benefit, retroactively).

-Dave