A letter

Dear people who write answers to hypothetical questions posted on blog sites,

Perhaps you are missing the point. When a blogger posts pictures of animals sleeping in strange positions under the title "Have You Ever Been So Tired?", it is not an invitation for you to respond with "Ive definitly been thaaaaaat tired xD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Instead, the blogger was using that question to highlight how silly the sleeping animals seem. Your answer adds nothing to the experience, and suggests that you may be hovering around the lower limit of social intelligence. Please stop,

Thanks,
David

Is that the Breast you can do?

A funny headline caught my eye the other day: "Playboy bunnies hop on horse issue" (Politico 7/26). I had to read it several times to make sure that I had it down correctly (cut off the last word and you really have a good story!).

Sure enough, the Barbi Twins of centerfold fame have been advocating for the "Restore our American Mustangs Act," which passed through the House of Representatives recently. The act allocates stronger regulations and more land to protect wild horses in the American West. And while there are certainly more pressing issues facing our country, this is a good thing.

The oppositions to the bill were not particularly stunning, nor was the commentary in support of it. But I was a little amazed at the framing of the article.

Does it really matter that Playboy bunnies were in support of this? Does it even matter that Playboy bunnies hold any viewpoints at all?

Do you think that you might have seen the article "Billy Thomas of Davenport, Iowa hops on horse issue"? Or "Jane Doe of Sioux Falls, South Dakota hops on horse issue"? Of course not. So why are these nude models dignified in the "Top Stories" section of Politico? It seems that revealing your breasts is your ticket to both being seen and being heard. And I can't think of too many things I would less rather put a microphone in front of.

In Politico's frame, this is only a story because of the Playboy bunnies. And that is frustrating, disappointing, stupid, and remarkably inconsequential. From now on, if I see "Playboy Bunnies" in the title, it better look something like this:

"Playboy Bunnies negotiate peace deal between Israel and Palestine"

"Playboy Bunnies develop carbon-neutral fuel source available immediately"

"Playboy Bunnies thwart hostile takeover of African village"

and, of course...

"Playboy Bunnies hop on horse"

-Dave

Are You Kitten Me?!

Somewhere near the bottom of the bedpan of American society, lies PETA.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is an organization that fights vigilantly for animal rights, equating everything that has a heartbeat and disregarding any information that may complicate the issue more than that. Many of their poorly-conceived campaigns replace reason, fact, and scientific investigation with speculation, emotion, and feel-goodery. And while they often have admirable goals, PETA irreparably harms the credibility of animal advocacy.

But if you can take a step back from that, their shit is hilarious...

Take, for instance, a campaign aimed at children that PETA launched some time ago called "Save the Sea Kittens". Their goal, simply put, is to get children to think of fish and aquatic animals as kittens of the sea, so they are more likely to protect them. We will forget for a moment that this targets impressionable youngsters- who are busy learning science, reasoning, solving problems, and soaking up the world around them- in an effort to convert more individuals to see the world through their eyes. Instead, we will focus on the content of this campaign.

What's the deal with sea kittens, you ask?

People don't seem to like fish. They're slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least. Plus, the small ones nibble at your feet when you're swimming, and the big ones—well, the big ones will bite your face off if Jaws is anything to go by.

Of course, if you look at it another way, what all this really means is that fish need to fire their PR guy—stat. Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You've done enough damage, buddy. We've got it from here. And we're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

... holy shit... of course, this doesn't exactly clarify what a sea kitten is. How about some facts about these wonderful creatures:

• Like their surface-dwelling cousins, the land kittens, sea kittens enjoy being petted. Their lack of arms makes it difficult for them to pet back, but they often gently rub against each other as a sign of affection.
• Sea kittens talk to each other through squeaks, squeals, and other low-frequency sounds that humans can only hear through special instruments. Most ichthyologists—scientists who specialize in sea kitten biology—agree that this is just about the cutest thing ever.
• Some sea kittens tend well-kept gardens. They encourage the growth of tasty algae and weed out the types that they don't like. It is particularly tragic when people eat these sea kittens, as their precious little gardens become wild and overgrown in their absence.

What's next: Flies as "air bunnies"? Parasitic heartworms as "flesh ponies"? I think these campaigns could really catch on.

The best part of the campaign is the ability to design your own sea kitten. I encourage it- this helps you to get a real sense of what these creatures are like. This is the sea kitten that I made. His name is Boner.


Create Your Own Sea Kitten at peta.org!

-Dave