Are You Kitten Me?!

Somewhere near the bottom of the bedpan of American society, lies PETA.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is an organization that fights vigilantly for animal rights, equating everything that has a heartbeat and disregarding any information that may complicate the issue more than that. Many of their poorly-conceived campaigns replace reason, fact, and scientific investigation with speculation, emotion, and feel-goodery. And while they often have admirable goals, PETA irreparably harms the credibility of animal advocacy.

But if you can take a step back from that, their shit is hilarious...

Take, for instance, a campaign aimed at children that PETA launched some time ago called "Save the Sea Kittens". Their goal, simply put, is to get children to think of fish and aquatic animals as kittens of the sea, so they are more likely to protect them. We will forget for a moment that this targets impressionable youngsters- who are busy learning science, reasoning, solving problems, and soaking up the world around them- in an effort to convert more individuals to see the world through their eyes. Instead, we will focus on the content of this campaign.

What's the deal with sea kittens, you ask?

People don't seem to like fish. They're slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least. Plus, the small ones nibble at your feet when you're swimming, and the big ones—well, the big ones will bite your face off if Jaws is anything to go by.

Of course, if you look at it another way, what all this really means is that fish need to fire their PR guy—stat. Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You've done enough damage, buddy. We've got it from here. And we're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

... holy shit... of course, this doesn't exactly clarify what a sea kitten is. How about some facts about these wonderful creatures:

• Like their surface-dwelling cousins, the land kittens, sea kittens enjoy being petted. Their lack of arms makes it difficult for them to pet back, but they often gently rub against each other as a sign of affection.
• Sea kittens talk to each other through squeaks, squeals, and other low-frequency sounds that humans can only hear through special instruments. Most ichthyologists—scientists who specialize in sea kitten biology—agree that this is just about the cutest thing ever.
• Some sea kittens tend well-kept gardens. They encourage the growth of tasty algae and weed out the types that they don't like. It is particularly tragic when people eat these sea kittens, as their precious little gardens become wild and overgrown in their absence.

What's next: Flies as "air bunnies"? Parasitic heartworms as "flesh ponies"? I think these campaigns could really catch on.

The best part of the campaign is the ability to design your own sea kitten. I encourage it- this helps you to get a real sense of what these creatures are like. This is the sea kitten that I made. His name is Boner.


Create Your Own Sea Kitten at peta.org!

-Dave