Friday, April 30, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Fuckin' rock on California!
Seriously. I miss you Cali. Today you gave me another reason to be a proud west coaster. I wish I could have been there to take part. Oh, and to the cops who shot rubber bullets in to the UC Davis kids storming I-80... I hope you all get shot with real bullets some time soon.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Potential Mascots for International Theme Parks
"Hands"- Italy's favorite gesticulator
Tagline: "Heyyy!! Itsaaa me!"
"Ollie the Oyster"- Korea's Kupid
Tagline: "Go make baby now"
"Vodka Vlad"- Russia's Secretary of Health
Tagline: "Youu talkin tto mee?"
"Jean Shorts John"- Canada's Greaahhhttest Ambassador
Tagline: "Hello...and...welcome"
"Nuclear Nick"- Iran's Stealthy Sweetheart
Tagline: "You're all fucked"
Tagline: "Heyyy!! Itsaaa me!"
"Ollie the Oyster"- Korea's Kupid
Tagline: "Go make baby now"
"Vodka Vlad"- Russia's Secretary of Health
Tagline: "Youu talkin tto mee?"
"Jean Shorts John"- Canada's Greaahhhttest Ambassador
Tagline: "Hello...and...welcome"
"Nuclear Nick"- Iran's Stealthy Sweetheart
Tagline: "You're all fucked"
Monday, February 1, 2010
SNOW ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It snowed about 4 inches in central North Carolina this weekend.
For those of you unfamiliar with the devastating effects of snow in this part of the country, I can assure you its quite surreal. Some roads get pretty slick and occasionally wet slush downs a powerline or two. But the most horrifying effects of the weather take place in the hearts and minds of citizens here- not on the ground.
A mere mention of the word snow around the water cooler or on television sends residents of central North Carolina into a panic.
Grocery stores sell out of milk, bread, and batteries. Greg Fishel the weatherman becomes a bigger celebrity than Michael Jackson. And news stations generate new terrorizing theme music and graphics.
Young people drive like middle-aged people, middle-aged people drive like old people, and old people just don't drive (Snowy NC = Asia).
Schools unquestionably close. But they don't notify student and parents until 10pm the night before.
Curmudgeons curse the cold and vow to move south. School kids enjoy the freedom and vow to move north.
Dogs piss on everything. Everything pisses off cats.
Salt and sand will be applied to the roads until July. Swiss Miss earns 59% of their yearly profits.
And chickens with their heads cut off get thousands of new friends to share in their franticness.
-DC
Saturday, January 30, 2010
You go boy!
The church serves a funny backdrop for a very short awkward experience I had last night. It has a wide set of cement stairs leading up to the grand entrance. There is a mere five* steps coming to rest at the bottom of the four giant columns that support the roof of the structure but this did not stop the runner I witnessed last night from waxing triumphant.
As I was smoking a cigarette out front I saw a man sprinting in shorts, hoody and gloves in the frigid evening air. He was coming at me from Central square and as he neared the church he turned toward it sharply and scaled the measly five* steps. He then proceed to raise his hands in the air, execute three fists pumps and jump up in down in a direct reference to Philly's favorite fictional son. Next he let out a loud "wooooooooooooooHooooooooo." After which he lowered his hands and placed them in his pockets and continued walking down the street at a turtles pace shivering.
Thanks for the chuckle Rocky
*The front of the church is under construction and only the first five steps are accessible.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
All it took was a trivia night's worth of booze, a unique view of the San Francisco skyline, and a well/poorly placed tree.
Little did I realize at the time but I was tumbling towards somewhat of a cliff that would have deposited me right back on to the deck of the bridge I had just exited -after a rather long fall through the air. Alas, I stopped suddenly hitting the one tree that remained in the way of our view... and my death.
I few broken ribs, an awkward boost back over the fence and many shallow breaths later I am running late for work typing this up to you now because I'm spending much time in bed alone with my thoughts and I've realized that I am, in deed, ready to resume jotting down my awkward moments -typos and all.
Bro... Part II
... continued
brotein
"Brotein" is a substance that is known to improve one's energy, strength, and mood. It is usually consumed in the form of a brotein shake or supplements ("supps") and leads to extreme upper-body strength (note: brotein is not shown to have any effect on any muscle groups other than the abs, chest, and arms).
Example: Yo, put some of the brotein powder in my drink so that I can get swoll.
bromance
Unlike its common-english equivalent, bromance is not for sissies. Instead, it refers to actions that reinforce bonds between bros. These actions include: chest bumps, hybrid handshake/hugs ("handshugs"), drawn out exclamations ("brrooo!!!"), and exchanging A&F muscle shirts. Bromance is also a type of movie where men push through conflicts and become extremely close in the end. Most of these movies feature Paul Rudd.
Example: Me and Chainsaw Mike are going to make bromance tonight.
broam
To "broam" means to cruise the town looking to pick up women and have sex with them. Most broaming is done in a large SUV with loud rap music playing. Broaming usually occurs in locations heavily populated by alcohol vendors and social establishments.
Example: I think she lives near 19th street. Let's broam 'til we find her ass.
Brotary Club
Brotary Clubs are gatherings of bros who meet to play video games, watch bromance movies, and talk about women they would like to have sex with. There is generally an informal feel to these meetings, and they are usually convened by text message. Occasionally, Brotary Clubs have been known to reveal suppressed homosexual tendencies in participants.
Example: Yo, I just got the new Madden game- official meeting of the Brotary Club at 9 at my place.
brotest
To "brotest" is to express opposition to something based on its decidedly anti-bro characteristics. It is possible to brotest many things, but common targets of brotests include: getting a job, waking up before 2pm, not hitting women, and foods that require more than 3 ingredients.
Example: They are trying to legalize gay marriage so I'm going to brotest downtown.
broment
A broment is a period of time where the focus is on all things bro. Broments vary in length, and different people experience different types of broments.
Example: Just a broment! I have to make some EZ Mac n' Cheese real quick.
brotein
"Brotein" is a substance that is known to improve one's energy, strength, and mood. It is usually consumed in the form of a brotein shake or supplements ("supps") and leads to extreme upper-body strength (note: brotein is not shown to have any effect on any muscle groups other than the abs, chest, and arms).
Example: Yo, put some of the brotein powder in my drink so that I can get swoll.
bromance
Unlike its common-english equivalent, bromance is not for sissies. Instead, it refers to actions that reinforce bonds between bros. These actions include: chest bumps, hybrid handshake/hugs ("handshugs"), drawn out exclamations ("brrooo!!!"), and exchanging A&F muscle shirts. Bromance is also a type of movie where men push through conflicts and become extremely close in the end. Most of these movies feature Paul Rudd.
Example: Me and Chainsaw Mike are going to make bromance tonight.
broam
To "broam" means to cruise the town looking to pick up women and have sex with them. Most broaming is done in a large SUV with loud rap music playing. Broaming usually occurs in locations heavily populated by alcohol vendors and social establishments.
Example: I think she lives near 19th street. Let's broam 'til we find her ass.
Brotary Club
Brotary Clubs are gatherings of bros who meet to play video games, watch bromance movies, and talk about women they would like to have sex with. There is generally an informal feel to these meetings, and they are usually convened by text message. Occasionally, Brotary Clubs have been known to reveal suppressed homosexual tendencies in participants.
Example: Yo, I just got the new Madden game- official meeting of the Brotary Club at 9 at my place.
brotest
To "brotest" is to express opposition to something based on its decidedly anti-bro characteristics. It is possible to brotest many things, but common targets of brotests include: getting a job, waking up before 2pm, not hitting women, and foods that require more than 3 ingredients.
Example: They are trying to legalize gay marriage so I'm going to brotest downtown.
broment
A broment is a period of time where the focus is on all things bro. Broments vary in length, and different people experience different types of broments.
Example: Just a broment! I have to make some EZ Mac n' Cheese real quick.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Bro... Part I
MTV's new show "Jersey Shore" is taking the nation by storm. Young adults hailing from New Jersey are infesting college towns across the country, making the Asian long-horned beetle seem like a welcome dinner guest. While CDC researchers have not yet been able to develop a vaccine to protect against these invaders (or the STDs they often carry), researchers have begun to comprehend their antics and get a better grasp of who we are all up against. Perhaps most promising are the recent breakthroughs made by linguists in understanding the language of people from New Jersey.
The language is generally slurred and works best under the influence of Heineken's and Jagermeister. It is in its purest form at clubs, in bars, in hot tubs, and when shouted into a cell phone from 2-5 feet away. It also resonates the best from users who are wearing flat-brimmed baseball caps with a large shiny logo that is off-centered. Most male speakers have an unusually high pitch when speaking and utilize a variety of gesticulations to convey their point.
The language is characterized by the word "bro", which is derived from the common english word "brother". Although traditionally considered a term of endearment, "bro" is frequently combined with other terms to create new words and phrases that have varying meanings. A complete list has not yet been developed, but the following list provides some useful derivations of "bro":
bra
"Bra" and "bro" are very similar, but nuances render the two not entirely interchangeable. "Bra" is generally used to greet a familiar person (or someone whose sister you have slept with), while "bro" is used for people who are less familiar.
Example: Hey bra, we haven't nailed bitches in weeks!
broseph
"Broseph" can have a variety of meanings, depending on the intention of the user. Most of the time, it is combined with the last name of a famous "Joseph" to highlight particular behaviors that the two may have in common. "Broseph Goebbels" is reserved for people who exhibit Nazi-like attributes, or for people who completely cramp your style. Similarly "Broseph Stalin" refers to a particularly ruthless person, or someone with a tremendous moustache and sense of paranoia. While both "Bro Namath" and "Bro Montana" allude to tremendously successful football quarterbacks, they are not terms of endearment, since neither player ever wore a Giants Uniform. There are various other forms of "broseph" that work within this language.
Example: Yo, that dude is slinging more ass than Broseph Smith [the founder of Mormonism]
brosephina
Unlike "broseph", "brosephina" refers to someone who is acting like a sissy. Since it is generally still spoken to men, it is usually used to emasculate, and tends to provoke bro on bro violence.
Example: Yo brosephina, quit whining and come bash this dude's windshield in.
bronar
"Bronar" refers to one's ability to spot fly bitches in a public place. A good sense of bronar greatly improves a person's chance of getting his dick wet and further populating the state of New Jersey
Example: Sick bronar, bro. You saw that girl from a mile away!
Brolo's
Although it sounds like a tasty chocolaty treat, a brolo is flunitrazepam (aka a "Roofie") and is used to drug women who may seem less than flattered by repeated sexual advances in bars and clubs.
Example: Yo, slip that B a Rolo and let's jet.
-Dave
The language is generally slurred and works best under the influence of Heineken's and Jagermeister. It is in its purest form at clubs, in bars, in hot tubs, and when shouted into a cell phone from 2-5 feet away. It also resonates the best from users who are wearing flat-brimmed baseball caps with a large shiny logo that is off-centered. Most male speakers have an unusually high pitch when speaking and utilize a variety of gesticulations to convey their point.
The language is characterized by the word "bro", which is derived from the common english word "brother". Although traditionally considered a term of endearment, "bro" is frequently combined with other terms to create new words and phrases that have varying meanings. A complete list has not yet been developed, but the following list provides some useful derivations of "bro":
bra
"Bra" and "bro" are very similar, but nuances render the two not entirely interchangeable. "Bra" is generally used to greet a familiar person (or someone whose sister you have slept with), while "bro" is used for people who are less familiar.
Example: Hey bra, we haven't nailed bitches in weeks!
broseph
"Broseph" can have a variety of meanings, depending on the intention of the user. Most of the time, it is combined with the last name of a famous "Joseph" to highlight particular behaviors that the two may have in common. "Broseph Goebbels" is reserved for people who exhibit Nazi-like attributes, or for people who completely cramp your style. Similarly "Broseph Stalin" refers to a particularly ruthless person, or someone with a tremendous moustache and sense of paranoia. While both "Bro Namath" and "Bro Montana" allude to tremendously successful football quarterbacks, they are not terms of endearment, since neither player ever wore a Giants Uniform. There are various other forms of "broseph" that work within this language.
Example: Yo, that dude is slinging more ass than Broseph Smith [the founder of Mormonism]
brosephina
Unlike "broseph", "brosephina" refers to someone who is acting like a sissy. Since it is generally still spoken to men, it is usually used to emasculate, and tends to provoke bro on bro violence.
Example: Yo brosephina, quit whining and come bash this dude's windshield in.
bronar
"Bronar" refers to one's ability to spot fly bitches in a public place. A good sense of bronar greatly improves a person's chance of getting his dick wet and further populating the state of New Jersey
Example: Sick bronar, bro. You saw that girl from a mile away!
Brolo's
Although it sounds like a tasty chocolaty treat, a brolo is flunitrazepam (aka a "Roofie") and is used to drug women who may seem less than flattered by repeated sexual advances in bars and clubs.
Example: Yo, slip that B a Rolo and let's jet.
-Dave
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