Bro... Part I

MTV's new show "Jersey Shore" is taking the nation by storm. Young adults hailing from New Jersey are infesting college towns across the country, making the Asian long-horned beetle seem like a welcome dinner guest. While CDC researchers have not yet been able to develop a vaccine to protect against these invaders (or the STDs they often carry), researchers have begun to comprehend their antics and get a better grasp of who we are all up against. Perhaps most promising are the recent breakthroughs made by linguists in understanding the language of people from New Jersey.

The language is generally slurred and works best under the influence of Heineken's and Jagermeister. It is in its purest form at clubs, in bars, in hot tubs, and when shouted into a cell phone from 2-5 feet away. It also resonates the best from users who are wearing flat-brimmed baseball caps with a large shiny logo that is off-centered. Most male speakers have an unusually high pitch when speaking and utilize a variety of gesticulations to convey their point.

The language is characterized by the word "bro", which is derived from the common english word "brother". Although traditionally considered a term of endearment, "bro" is frequently combined with other terms to create new words and phrases that have varying meanings. A complete list has not yet been developed, but the following list provides some useful derivations of "bro":

bra
"Bra" and "bro" are very similar, but nuances render the two not entirely interchangeable. "Bra" is generally used to greet a familiar person (or someone whose sister you have slept with), while "bro" is used for people who are less familiar.
Example: Hey bra, we haven't nailed bitches in weeks!

broseph
"Broseph" can have a variety of meanings, depending on the intention of the user. Most of the time, it is combined with the last name of a famous "Joseph" to highlight particular behaviors that the two may have in common. "Broseph Goebbels" is reserved for people who exhibit Nazi-like attributes, or for people who completely cramp your style. Similarly "Broseph Stalin" refers to a particularly ruthless person, or someone with a tremendous moustache and sense of paranoia. While both "Bro Namath" and "Bro Montana" allude to tremendously successful football quarterbacks, they are not terms of endearment, since neither player ever wore a Giants Uniform. There are various other forms of "broseph" that work within this language.
Example: Yo, that dude is slinging more ass than Broseph Smith [the founder of Mormonism]

brosephina
Unlike "broseph", "brosephina" refers to someone who is acting like a sissy. Since it is generally still spoken to men, it is usually used to emasculate, and tends to provoke bro on bro violence.
Example: Yo brosephina, quit whining and come bash this dude's windshield in.

bronar
"Bronar" refers to one's ability to spot fly bitches in a public place. A good sense of bronar greatly improves a person's chance of getting his dick wet and further populating the state of New Jersey
Example: Sick bronar, bro. You saw that girl from a mile away!

Brolo's
Although it sounds like a tasty chocolaty treat, a brolo is flunitrazepam (aka a "Roofie") and is used to drug women who may seem less than flattered by repeated sexual advances in bars and clubs.
Example: Yo, slip that B a Rolo and let's jet.

-Dave