Blatant vs. Subtle

I've been trying to categorize awkward lately. So far I've got awkward moments divided up into two groups: subtly awkward and blatantly awkward. Subtly awkward situations tend to be awkward to just one person, or to less people then are involved in a situation in total. For instance, a guy trying to restrain an erection while talking to a pretty lady is pretty awkward but unless she notices his discomfort and/or package the situation is only awkward to him. You might say that there is nothing subtle about an erection but it's not the cause of the awkward moment we're examining so much as it is the nature of the awkward moment itself. Blatantly awkward moments are a bit easier to finger, for instance I was once caught fingering my girlfriend by her mom. That was blatantly awkward. As you can see, blatant moments need much less explanation then subtle ones –and that is blatantly obvious.

Let’s start with the subtle shall we? How about when you’re really gassy and you are amongst attractive friends and you want to get up and relieve yourself but your sure your stomach will betray you upon standing. So now all you can focus on is the bubble in your stomach, your friends are telling jokes, everyone is laughing but you, you start to sweat and you give an awkward sneer to try and appear as if you’re still up on the conversation –grumble grumble. Again, you may be thinking, what is so subtle about this situation? This is intense! Of this group of friends, however, only one is experiencing the awkward moment even though there is a number of other folks right there in the very same room as our subject. Only if our gassy companion stands and does indeed pass gas will the subtly awkward moment become the blatantly awkward moment. For now, as Bubble Butt sits sweating in discomfort the entropy of the awkward moment is collapsing in on him and him alone.

Now for an example of an overtly awkward moment -Generally identified by the universal awkwardness across all involved in the moment and often a transference of the awkward feeling to those simply hearing about the situation second hand:

I was in the 6th grade. My brother was spending the night away with a friend and my father worked until 2am generally. I tip toed out to the television and, using my patented rapid finger movement, turned on the TV without letting any volume escape. Once couched I changed the channel to PBS (Nova was on) and then hit the digits “6” and “8” on the remote. Having changed it to the scrambled analog cable channel “spice” I was now free to do what little boys do late at night with my alibi (Nova) on standby via the [Prev.] button on the remote. After spotting a tittie or two I was sufficiently uh… lucid? And proceeded to carry out the rather pedestrian exercise/exorcize. A short while later I felt a subtle shadow in the dim light fall across my waist and I froze. Holding my breath, I wondered what the hell it could be then my eyes widened suddenly -I’d heard an exhale of breathe and it was my mother. My eyeballs darted around but I couldn’t move. So, dick in hand, I laid there still as dirt. The tension was killing me, I could move and she wasn’t saying anything! "What was going on?" I thought and then… in an annoyed voice “Ahem! Just make sure the couch is clean when you’re done!” and with that the shadow disappeared and the chest caving pressure of that infamous awkward moment in my life began to exert itself on me.

For days, shit even weeks, I felt the painful strain of the ultimate in awkwardness. It did not get any more blatant than this. I'd rather have to fart in front of a pretty girl any day.

-Raw