Happy Endings with a Happy Ending.

When I was 16 I started having sex. I had been with my girlfriend for a couple of months and we decided to go ahead and throw caution into the wind and make love after a half session of school one spring day (but before my mother got home from work at 2:30). Needless to say the experience was rushed, awkward and not at all what either of us expected. A month or so later, however, we were finding our stride and we were doing it like bunnies on ecstasy. Life was good, we were living a carefree relationship abound in orgasm for both (or so I thought as the time). Life would soon come to a heart-arresting moment when she called me one Friday, “I’m late and I need a pregnancy test.” Thump-THUMP Thump-THUMP!!!

My cousin and I were fairly close and she was a couple of years older than me. The fact that she could be trusted and that she lived down the street from a “Planned Parenthood” location was taken into consideration when we decided to ask for her help. A half hour later she was picking me up and driving me to my girlfriend’s house who was waiting alone –her family having just left for a picnic in the bay area. My cousin dropped me off and headed to work and I rang the doorbell with a pitted stomach. We embraced and I kissed her on the cheek and we proceed to the restroom where she peed on the stick as we tried to avoid awkward eye contact. As she pulled up her pants I took a deep breath in preparation for the lifetime long two to three minutes I was about to endure. At that moment I had no idea just how painful the next few moments would be and had no further time to contemplate it because we then heard a sound that made my gut jump into my throat and try to wiggle its way out through my clenched teeth –the front door was opening.

Her sister, her brother and mother were stampeding into the house, blaming each other over who had forgot what and I froze! Thank god for my girlfriends quick thinking (or not) for she then shoved the test in my hand and shoved me in to the tub and closed the shower curtain with a snap of her wrist. I sat in the tub as if I could duck beneath its height and thanked god the curtain was opaque. Heart racing, mind flying my eyes darted back and forth from the curtain to the test as the commotion continued out in the hallways of the tiny house.

Then disaster struck.

The door to the bathroom opened and I thought for an instant it must be my girl friend telling me the coast was clear but it was not to be. The sound of jeans unzipping and a jostled toilet confirmed my worst suspicions… her sister was peeing (hopefully just peeing) inches away from me and the soon to illuminate pregnancy test. I can say with absolute certainty that at that moment I learned and understood all the principles of bio-feedback and slowed my heart beat to a near frozen pace and moved not even a single hair a measurable fraction.

I understood then how Einstein could have wrapped his mind around such a concept as the theory of relativity. When caught in a moment such as this time does indeed slow to a crawl and you realize that the notion of anything being constant is utterly ridiculous.

Alas my story climaxes right there. There was no sneeze, I didn’t drop the test, she didn’t notice the empty box in the trash. She simply did her business, stood and left (without washing her hands). I was never so happy to know someone unconcerned with hygiene. Her brother found the things they were looking for and they were soon off again, albeit a little bit behind schedule. The test was just coming into focus as my girl friend re-entered the room and it was negative. We sighed deeply and embraced –the embrace led to more sex of course and all in all it turned out to be a beautiful summer day. Awkward doesn’t always end in disaster.

-Raw