Politics and Concrete Don't Mix

I don't talk about politics at work. For the summer, I am holding down a temporary gig as a office assistant at a local law firm (atleast that is what i put on my resume- "office assistant" seems a little glorious for the work that I am doing). The firm specializes in construction law. We handle disputes between various contractors, developers, subcontractors, and pretty much everyone in North Carolina named Billy, Clint, Buddy, and Jimmy.

So talking about politics doesn't make much sense here. Folks at this firm are generally in a different tax bracket than me, and their wealth is directly tied to development; the more that people build, the more disputes arise, and the more work the firm has. I always learned that development was something with which to proceed cautiously- because of its toll on water resources, quality of life, environmental concerns, and traffic. These people build mini malls, apartment complexes, highway extensions and parking lots like they were made of legos. So we're not all on the same page.

Yesterday, for the first time, I got a glimpse of what I had suspected was hidden beneath the dirt-caked surface. I was speaking with one of the secretaries about a recent disappointment regarding her old DUI arrest. A year had passed since she swerved through town in her old green pickup truck, and she expected to have her car's breathalyzer machine removed (For those of you unaware, this is a machine that you have to breathe sober breath into to be able to start your car- they pretty much come standard with all cars sold in NC). Of course, due to some discrepancy between the DMV and the company that manufactures the breathalyzer (and is the only one capable of removing it), she will have to keep the machine on an extra two months.

I made some comment about the how annoying the politics of this can be- partly because it is true and partly because I didn't want to say "well, you probably should have thought of this before you drank and drove". She replied: "Yea. The government always does this."

"But, like my husband says, its not as bad as them takin' over healthcare. I'd go into the doctor with a note to get a wart removed off my neck and they'd cut off my toe!"

...Took me a second to even realize what she was getting at. [Really? You would go into the doctors office with a note to remove a wart from your neck? You have warts on your neck?] But after it hit me, I realized she was coughing up the same talking points that you might hear on Limbaugh, Fox, or the right side of the aisle in Washington: Any government intervention in healthcare will make doctors retarded. And you will lose a toe.

What kind of nonsense is that? There are so many questions to ask someone who actually believes that. Forget political affiliations and educational background- we are talking about basic competence. Certainly, the healthcare issue in insanely complex. But there is a point at which verbal clutter like that does nothing to advance the discussion and reflects a dangerously low level of understanding. I wont try to tackle the healthcare issue here, but maybe a brief overview is in order...

We are sick. We are fat. We are getting sicker and fatter. We spend a lot of money on healthcare and don't get a lot out of it. Some people don't get anything out of it. We need to make sure everyone has access to healthcare, and that we can pay for it. Doctors and hospitals need a lot of money. The government should probably provide some funding. Don't worry, they already do. They offer Medicare and Medicaid- and those are two of the highest-rated healthcare programs we have. But Barack Obama doesn't want to be your doctor. He doesn't even want to choose your doctor for you- that's what insurance companies have been doing. We have to make sure that doctors can see more patients- and that more patients can see doctors. To pay for this, we need less waste in the system. And that means changing a few things. But it doesn't mean losing coverage or access to your doctor. And it certainly doesn't mean losing quality of care.

...Obviously, there is a lot more to it than that. But regardless of how you cut it, what we have isn't working. And what we are saying about what we have and what we need really isn't working. Whatever "news" programs and email alerts have been trumpeting the message of a socialist, pro-toe removal government that wants to takeover healthcare needs to stop. They are probably not being written by the 47 million Americans that are worse off than the rest of us. Or by the Americans who are actually making suggestions and bringing substance to the discussion. So as our country trudges through this one, let's atleast speak about these things intelligently.

I don't talk about politics at work.

-Dave

Dear President Obama... (I actually sent this)

July 28th, 2009

President Barack Obama
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20500


Dear President Obama,

I hope you are doing well. Its hard to believe its been nearly nine months since you were elected! I can remember my excitement that night last November watching your acceptance speech from a restaurant in Boulder, Colorado- a testament to the power of passion and perseverance.

In fact, I spent quite a bit of time working to bring your dream to life. During the three months leading up to the election, I traveled to swing states around the country carrying your message of hope and promise to voters. In Iowa, I registered college students to vote. In Ohio, I organized meetings and events to get young people out to the polls. And in New Hampshire and Colorado, I knocked on doors and called voters to make sure they were ready to check the box next to your name. I voted absentee in North Carolina and called every friend I had in Wisconsin, Minnesota, Florida, and Virginia.

Those were three of the most challenging months of my life. In Iowa City, I slept on the floor in an apartment building that had been vacated after significant flood damage. In Columbus, I stayed in an apartment that permanently reeked of rotten squid after a prolonged power outage thawed the contents of the abandoned freezer. And in Concord, I was sandwiched in to a three-bedroom apartment with 11 other people. I drank more cups of coffee than I can remember, and slept fewer hours than ever before. But those months were also the most exciting that I can remember, and I was lucky to have taken part in such a historical event.

In the time since the election and inauguration, I have been struggling to find a job. The current economic situation has proven difficult and many would-be employers are barely able to stay afloat. I have applied to jobs with private companies, non profits, and government agencies (boy the USAJobs website has some difficult applications!). Most organizations, if they have responded to my cover letters and resumes at all, have replied with a “no”. I suspect that the few companies that are hiring are getting tired of seeing my experiences summarized in 10.5 font on a single page.

As my anxiety over employment has grown, so too has my desire to overcome the challenges that currently face this nation. I have a Bachelors of Science degree in Human Geography from the University of Wisconsin-Madison and a keen interest in environmental policy. I am eager to do whatever it takes to help you make good on the promises you laid out during your campaign. I am writing to see if you are able to help me out- with a job, a letter of recommendation, or even a well-placed phone call on my behalf. I understand that you are busy, but I would be extremely grateful for any help you can provide. Thank you for your time, and I wish you continued success navigating through these difficult times.



Your friend,


David K. Christopher

Is that the Breast you can do?

A funny headline caught my eye the other day: "Playboy bunnies hop on horse issue" (Politico 7/26). I had to read it several times to make sure that I had it down correctly (cut off the last word and you really have a good story!).

Sure enough, the Barbi Twins of centerfold fame have been advocating for the "Restore our American Mustangs Act," which passed through the House of Representatives recently. The act allocates stronger regulations and more land to protect wild horses in the American West. And while there are certainly more pressing issues facing our country, this is a good thing.

The oppositions to the bill were not particularly stunning, nor was the commentary in support of it. But I was a little amazed at the framing of the article.

Does it really matter that Playboy bunnies were in support of this? Does it even matter that Playboy bunnies hold any viewpoints at all?

Do you think that you might have seen the article "Billy Thomas of Davenport, Iowa hops on horse issue"? Or "Jane Doe of Sioux Falls, South Dakota hops on horse issue"? Of course not. So why are these nude models dignified in the "Top Stories" section of Politico? It seems that revealing your breasts is your ticket to both being seen and being heard. And I can't think of too many things I would less rather put a microphone in front of.

In Politico's frame, this is only a story because of the Playboy bunnies. And that is frustrating, disappointing, stupid, and remarkably inconsequential. From now on, if I see "Playboy Bunnies" in the title, it better look something like this:

"Playboy Bunnies negotiate peace deal between Israel and Palestine"

"Playboy Bunnies develop carbon-neutral fuel source available immediately"

"Playboy Bunnies thwart hostile takeover of African village"

and, of course...

"Playboy Bunnies hop on horse"

-Dave

Errand in Raleigh

I drove the truck to downtown Raleigh and back for an errand today. Figured out some tough math...

(95 degrees + lots of humidity) - air conditioning = butt sweat

-Dave

I Can't Believe Its Butter...

I pride myself on being someone who orders relatively simple things from restaurants.

That way, I feel easily-satisfiable and more in tune with the workings of the service world (The antithesis of this would be the person whose Starbucks order sounds like an exchange from The Godfather). Also, I think simple things often taste better, and are much easier to prepare.

So, as I walked in to the local bagel place this morning, I expected another perfectly-toasted bagel with a little bit of butter and a medium coffee...

The "sandwich artist" placed one large dollop of butter on each half of my bagel, made a half-assed attempt to spread it around, and plopped the two halves together. As she did a massive chunk of butter slid out from the edge and fell to the wax paper below. I assumed she would remove the excess, but she neatly wrapped it up, along with my bagel, and handed me my order over the counter. The butter had already turned the paper completely clear, and I could see the beginnings of a heart attack ooze from all around the bagel's edge.

Im not sure what my order would have looked like had I ordered something other than "a little bit of butter", but I am almost tempted to find out.

I drank the rest of my sopping bagel, and went to work...

[See also: Dunkin Donuts coffee when "a tiny bit" of sugar is ordered]

-Dave

Journalism gone awry...

Politico.com's front page story today poses "10 Questions for President Obama."

Some of these questions are reasonable, though most have a accusatory and skeptical air about them. They do, however, generally address issues that are important and deserve explanation.

Well, most of them atleast... For their last questions, the authors do ask "Do you still plan on joining a Washington-area church and attending services?"...

Thank goodness they asked that one... Whew. Talk about hard hitting journalism about important issues.

-Dave

Are You Kitten Me?!

Somewhere near the bottom of the bedpan of American society, lies PETA.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is an organization that fights vigilantly for animal rights, equating everything that has a heartbeat and disregarding any information that may complicate the issue more than that. Many of their poorly-conceived campaigns replace reason, fact, and scientific investigation with speculation, emotion, and feel-goodery. And while they often have admirable goals, PETA irreparably harms the credibility of animal advocacy.

But if you can take a step back from that, their shit is hilarious...

Take, for instance, a campaign aimed at children that PETA launched some time ago called "Save the Sea Kittens". Their goal, simply put, is to get children to think of fish and aquatic animals as kittens of the sea, so they are more likely to protect them. We will forget for a moment that this targets impressionable youngsters- who are busy learning science, reasoning, solving problems, and soaking up the world around them- in an effort to convert more individuals to see the world through their eyes. Instead, we will focus on the content of this campaign.

What's the deal with sea kittens, you ask?

People don't seem to like fish. They're slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least. Plus, the small ones nibble at your feet when you're swimming, and the big ones—well, the big ones will bite your face off if Jaws is anything to go by.

Of course, if you look at it another way, what all this really means is that fish need to fire their PR guy—stat. Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You've done enough damage, buddy. We've got it from here. And we're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

... holy shit... of course, this doesn't exactly clarify what a sea kitten is. How about some facts about these wonderful creatures:

• Like their surface-dwelling cousins, the land kittens, sea kittens enjoy being petted. Their lack of arms makes it difficult for them to pet back, but they often gently rub against each other as a sign of affection.
• Sea kittens talk to each other through squeaks, squeals, and other low-frequency sounds that humans can only hear through special instruments. Most ichthyologists—scientists who specialize in sea kitten biology—agree that this is just about the cutest thing ever.
• Some sea kittens tend well-kept gardens. They encourage the growth of tasty algae and weed out the types that they don't like. It is particularly tragic when people eat these sea kittens, as their precious little gardens become wild and overgrown in their absence.

What's next: Flies as "air bunnies"? Parasitic heartworms as "flesh ponies"? I think these campaigns could really catch on.

The best part of the campaign is the ability to design your own sea kitten. I encourage it- this helps you to get a real sense of what these creatures are like. This is the sea kitten that I made. His name is Boner.


Create Your Own Sea Kitten at peta.org!

-Dave

Nutty Survey

A research company conducting a survey called the house last night...

Being such a model citizen, and interested in how the public retains information from the news, I agreed to participate. The voice on the other end of the telephone, began to read me questions from her computer screen (The parallels between her job and canvassing are eerie- if for no other reason, one should participate to make sure the surveyor can get a "hot night" and not be fired for surveying too few people)...

...How closely did you pay attention to coverage about the following stories from the news this week? (Very closely, somewhat closely, not very closely, not at all)
Sup Ct Nominee Sonya Sotomayor hearings
Healthcare reform
Bombing in Indonesia
Michael Jackson

What do you think about the amount of news coverage for each of these stories? (Way too much, somewhat too much, the right amount, somewhat too little, way too little)

With regards to healthcare reform, do you think the issue is:
Important?
Interesting?
Difficult to understand?

...and then all of the sudden...

...Do you eat a lot of nuts?

Quite obviously, I froze up. Do I eat a lot of nuts? Where the hell did that come from?

"Uhhh...yes", I responded, ready to hear a friend's voice to barge in on the other end of the telephone and start laughing. But the surveyor just kept on plowing through the questions on her computer screen...

Do you think some nuts are healthier than others?

How often do you eat nuts?

Do you consider nuts a special treat?

Do you eat pistachios? walnuts? cashews? pecans?

After a few minutes, she asked me some demographic questions and then ended the call. I'm sure there is a perfectly good explanation about that survey, and I cannot wait to see the results of someone's study linking political receptiveness to consumption of nuts. But I couldn't help but think that it was a fairly awkward transition.

-Dave

Happy Anniversary

We landed on the moon!... 40 years ago yesterday. Suck on that, USSR

Moon Hoax

Apparently, 6% of Americans still believe we never landed on the moon.

That's remarkably discouraging, given that these 19 million or so people probably go through life thinking there is nothing wrong with them. Well, there is.


To completely disregard one of the most astonishing feats of human kind is to trivialize a branch of science that has provided us with incredible discoveries, state-of-the-art technologies, and clever inventions. NASA's contributions to "everyday society" are enormous- many of these contributions are a direct result of our efforts to go farther than we ever have before. Namely, to the moon.

Advances in medicine including: MRI's, Laser eye surgery, and prosthetic limbs have benefited millions of people.

Smoke detectors, ergonomically-designed chairs, drinking water purifiers, and satellite television have improved the safety and comfort of home living.

Bar codes, invisible braces, fire-resistant materials, memory-foam mattresses, sun glasses, ski boots, football helmets, and toothpaste were also all direct results of NASA research.

And the list goes on...

... So denying such an event, while taking these items for granted is obtuse, ill-informed, and stupid. But that goes without saying. The entertaining bit is the conviction with which these views are expressed and the attempted "scientific" explanations used to express them! At the risk of giving these people any undeserved attention, it is worth looking at a few of their claims. [Taken from http://www.apfn.org/apfn/moon.htm, which is authored by a "self-taught" engineer].

• One NASA picture from Apollo 11 is looking up at Neil Armstrong about to take his giant step for mankind. The photographer must have been lying on the planet surface. If Armstrong was the first man on the Moon, then who took the shot?
  
• Apollo 14 astronaut Allen Shepard played golf on the Moon. In front of a worldwide TV audience, Mission Control teased him about slicing the ball to the right. Yet a slice is caused by uneven air flow over the ball. The Moon has no atmosphere and no air.
• The flags shadow goes behind the rock so doesn't match the dark line in the foreground, which looks like a line cord. So the shadow to the lower right of the spaceman must be the flag. Where is his shadow?

The answer to these barely warrants the attention of the gang from "Blue's Clues" on Nickelodeon. But these are living, breathing people that refuse to accept the moon landing. I vote that we take them all up to the moon to verify we've done it... And then leave them all there

-Dave