Scathing scrappy scissor sisters shamelessly scuffle

Nights out are great. People drinkin' and eatin' and laughin' and talkin' and carrying on an' shit. Every once in a while though a night comes along unexpectedly and turns into a royal shit show. Last night was one of those nights. It started off subtle, then it was blatant.... then it was just over the fuckin' top son, Over the fuckin' top.

I got out from work around 11 and headed to a bar a few blocks away to meet up with some friends who had just gotten in to town. I was nervous though because many people that I used to work with were there and there were more than a few I was trying to avoid. Luckily no one I was avoiding was there and my buddy Amy proceeded to buy me a drink and a shot. So far so good. The night continued and my buddy Walter and I proceeded to order a shot of well whiskey, the well turned out to be Jack and Walter turned to caution me "Jack is my kryptonite dude, just warning ya."

After the shot we headed outside for a smoke and were joined by Amy after being scolded by Rebecca for partaking in such a dirty habit. About 28.5 seconds after we stepped out side Walter spoke, "Damn, I feel like I'm gunna blow..." too late, he'd ralphed on the sidewalk not 5 ft from a garbage can. The bouncer then stepped around the corner and told him "You might as well start walking now cuz your not coming back in." Damn, booted.

Walter and I then left Amy and Rebecca and headed over to the TAM, where they had all started their night and we ordered some Brubakers and a couple of shots of tequila, "see I'm fine with tequila I just can't do Jack man."

"I know buddy, I know"

The ladies then came strolling in and joined us as we talked about the novel Walter is working on. We downed some more tequila and put on our coats to leave before the T stopped running. Walter and I exited first to have a cig as we walked. As Walter stepped through the threshold a very haggard looking lady shoulder shoved him, then she took a step back, and shoulder shoved him two more times.

It was really odd, I immediately knew I'd be posting about that moment and made a comment about it to Walter as he gave me a dumbfounded look. He then looked at me and said "That bitch was crazy!" and when I looked behind us, she was back and standing right behind him. She came at us with a crazy look in her eye but she didn't go towards Walter she came at me... and my cigarette. "Give your cigarette man!" she exhaled. Now I usually always bum out cigs but this lady had just shoved my buddy for no reason... three times! So I said "Fuck no I'm not giving you a cigarette!" and she immediately wrapped both of her arms around mine and pretended to eat my arm like it was a corn on the cob. I looked up at Walter because I didn't know what in the FUCK to do and he just stared, half laughing at me and said "Dude you got aids now."

I wasn't amused yet because just then the ol' witch wrapped her knees around me and started to hump me like a rabid chihuahua and continued to beg me "Come on man give me a cigarette and I'll give you a lil' somethin' somethin'" Why do I only ever get propositioned by crazy toothless women? I then proceeded to peel the lady off of me while trying not to break or let her get her hands on my cigarette. It took a good half a minute to do so too! She was fuckin' desperate.

Our lady friends eventually came out and we continued to walk along Tremont street as I told them the story of the crazy arm eating hip humping cigarette fiend. As we waited for the T I noticed Rebecca was a little red, we had definitely had our fare share of drinks. We boarded the train, it was only quarter full but we stood and joked as it pulled out of the station.

Now this part of the story is kind of a blur but I'm going to do my best to retell it. Somehow we were betting each other over who could stand with out moving there feet or touching anything to prop you self up with. After establishing the rules we were a go! Walter and I were first to loose our balance as the train turned, fallowed shortly by Rebecca. Amy had won but Becca wasn't having it, she wanted to go again. Becca quickly tried to sabotage Amy by pushing her and this went back and forth until, before we knew it, they were in a full scale wrestling match on the floor of the train as people gawked at our immaturity. At the next stop the train emptied completely -except for one guy who was trapped in by Amy and Rebecca.

I could not believe what I was seeing! Two grown women were trying to pin each other at half past midnight on Bostons public transportation system... and we have the video to prove it!

Notice how Rebecca is loosing until she manages to put Amy in a scissor lock and flip her over! Smoothe moves!


As Walter filmed the shenanigans the trapped guy pulled out his cell phone and started documenting the spectacle as well. Soon the we pulled into Davis square and the train doors opened, I quickly scribbled down my email on a piece of paper and told the trapped guy to send me anything he'd gotten.

The next day I got two pictures sent to my email, you came through bro! Thanks!

When we got home they started up again. I think one of them cunt-punched the other at some point. It was quite ridiculous, but very very entertaining! I wish you could have been here to see it Dave! Come back soon the AwkWord needs you!

-Raw

My cousin, Furia Martinez.

My cousin Furia is a riot. She's all sorts of awkward and she knows it. First off she's a lanky Mexican -so she's a walking contradiction. There is also the fact that she's a bit of a boozer -the harmless kind though. My uncle had to put her in a shopping cart and wheel her home after a night out for her 24th birthday. Then at age 28 she was hosting a friend and her husband in San Francisco for a weekend and when they arrived home from the bar the husband insisted the two ladies sleep in the bedroom -he was going to stay up and he'd take the couch. Well Maria woke up alone the next morning, she'd pissed her pants, bed and friend in her drunken doze.

The Maria Effect

What's more awkward, things are always happening to us when we're together. I was there when her dad (a base ball bat behind the front door kind of guy) walked in the room where her first boyfriend was standing. He ordered everyone out and went on to literally ask him "what are your intentions with my daughter?" We ran as fast as we could to get my aunt to call back the rabid animal that was my uncle in that moment. Poor kid, I'm surprised he didn't piss his pants. Needless to say we all went home early that night.

Zoo Animal for a Day

There's the time when we were hiking with my brother and an older gentlemen standing on a small hill on the trail ahead of them pointed at her and spoke to his wife "Look darling, it's a little Indian girl." What the fuck? I still try to wrap my head around why the guy thought it was okay to point, assume and declare.

The Amtrak Incident

This guy gets on the loud speaker mumbling into the phone, no one could understand what's being said and then suddenly he anunciantes "Where the FUCK am I!?" A drunk had commandeered the PA while simultaneously realizing he'd missed his stop. The parents were covering there kids ears and conductors were running up and down the train looking for the burping belligerent. It was awesome and I would like to think it was Furia's awkward voodoo charm that had brought the whole incident on.

YOU! Yeah you over there in the corner... what's his face!?

She also has this thing with names, my grandmother has it too. She can't ever remember peoples names and will go through an entire list of family before coming to the right one. Because of this she calls everyone by one of four nick names, Dar, Tard, Butt and Dog. Fortunately Butt and dog are exclusive to her sister and brother. Unfortunately all her friends think my name is Dar.

Feminine Feline Frenetics

Even her cat is fucking awkward! It'll sneak in to the bathroom and play with your feet while you shower -completely unafraid to get wet as most cats are. It also waits on the back of couches and jumps with full force at people's throats as they come out of the bedroom. From an onlookers point of view the scene is so absurd you'd swear you were looking at a Muppet act out a death scene but alas, there is no hand up little Kit's ass.

A tale of Two Pussies

Speaking of cats, her bass playing on again off again boyfriend is awkward too. He's a great guy but their relationship is something out of an early Kevin Smith movie. He was planning on going to visit her the other day and he called saying "My kitty's being awfully playful, I don't know if I can leave it." An hour later he calls back "The kitty fall asleep, I think I can come over now." Yet another 'what the FUCK!?' moment in the life of Furia.

I love you cousin. I'll come back to SF so we can share even more awkward moments soon.

-Raw

Some people leave flowers...

It's amazing how often poo comes up in conversation in this household. Another friend of ours took an awkward shit yesterday. She was in town to canvass here in the Boston area and was running out of houses to visit, and she really had to drop some kids off at the pool. This friend, we'll call her Kelly Gifford, could not find a "pool" to drop the kids off in, so she let them play in a field instead... and by field a mean cemetery. She avoided defecating on a grave by choosing a spot near a tree and used her organization's door literature to wipe. Kudos to you free wheeling women out there who arent afriad to squat drop and groan.

-Raw

One embarrassing moment leads to another.

A friend of mine was hosting a co-worker at her house who was in town on business. A few days later she thought her house guest had left for home and was less then thorough in picking up after herself. Upon arriving home that evening she found her roommate on the couch next to the open door to her bedroom which contained her bed that had her vibrator sitting on it. Ouch... cringe... haHA! Did the house guest spy the ragged rod or not!? You be the judge!

The same friend showed up in Boston a couple of days ago and we were going over her embarrassing moment. I asked her how big it was and she proceeded to use her fingers spaced apart to indicate the phoney member's length. When her fingers reached a distance from each other roughly the length of a baby gherkin she said "like this, it's small" I instinctively replied "Hey that's average!"

DOH!

-Raw

The best easter egg of all...

Just a little awkward celebration for the holiday weekend...

Grab your partner...


-Dave

Shaw-pping around

Just went grocery shopping at the local Shaw's.

As I was walking down the aisle to purchase some chocolate bunnies, I couldn't help but notice the advertisement playing over the loudspeaker:

"Come to Shaw's, where the prices are always low and the selection is always great!", in that deep, soothing announcer voice...

Kindof interesting. You would think that the people pushing carts around the Shaw's would not need to hear that message- that they are already pretty locked in being a Shaw's customer. Given that, you know, they are already there and all that. I certainly wasn't planning on doing my shopping anywhere else this evening.

Do a lot of people fill a cart with food and then decide to go to another store?

Its almost like the advertisements for Delta airlines that you get when you are already buckled in on the plane... Or maybe its just building up a relationship with the consumer so that they are less frustrated when the next salmonella outbreak from Shaw's peanut butter claims the life of their child.

Any ideas?

-Dave

Inception

Its time you learned about the moment the AwkWord was conceived...

Raw and I were sitting at a bar in Washington DC only a few blocks from the White House (or as we like to call it, the "Maison Blanc"- not to be confused with the "Chateau Blanc" or White Castle, where you can get 12 burgers for $3). We had discussed starting a blog, and were satisfied with the idea that our awkward experiences would be the meat of it.

In fact, by that night, Raw and I had talked about awkward moments a lot- rediculous interactions with coworkers, old sex stories, and downright unbearable situations. This particular night, Raw and I were sitting next to each other at the bar brainstorming ideas about the blog. We were using a napkin to jot down some themes, but needed a pen.

Two girls had just sat down next to us, but we were not really paying attention. I turned to one of them and asked if they had something to write with. Without much hesitance (and no awkwardness), she reached into her purse and passed me a pen. We jotted down a few ideas, and I handed back the pen. It was at this point that I got a look at them- both attractive women in either their late teens or early 20's (tsssssss... or is it "phhffffffft"?).

Being the mature person that I am, I just smiled back and thanked them. The more attractive of the two responded with a question, which I didn't hear. She hopped up and slid into the seat directly next to me...

It became immediately apparent that she was flirting with me. I can't say that I have a lot of experience with girls hitting on me, but it was pretty clear. She asked me what job I had and where I was from, and even made some remark about my accent (which I dont have). I answered all her questions, and was somewhat perplexed by her forwardness.

An aside: Ladies... you are all crazy.

After some time, the girl put her hand on my thigh and asked: "when was the last time you slept with a teenager?" (whhaaa?!?!?!?!) She then gave me the "look", summoning all of the world's energy into a stare that would have gotten James Bond to cluck like a chicken.

Ladies... you are all crazy.

I remained strong and engaged in a few more minutes of back and forth. Then, just as quickly as it started, she and her friend decided to head out to a house party. The girl grabbed the napkin we had been using to jot down blog ideas and scribbled her name and number. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and left the bar.

...The AwkWord was born.

-Dave and Raw

Well that's awkward as shit

From the vaults of the San Francisco stories archive I dust off an old favorite. Beautiful in it's simplicity and lack of grace, this is a story I love telling and putting it to hard-copy should be interesting. Ladies and gentlemen, straight from San Francisco circa 2002 I give you the story of Shit Girl!

October... wait no by this time of night is was November 2002. The streets of the Castro district, Baghdad by the bay. The throngs of genderless party people were undulating in there intoxication were beginning to disperse and taxis were no where to be found -it was going to be a trek and a half to get home. The ladies lucked out though, the guys who ran the photo booth "red cheese dot com" had offered them a ride home so we parted knowing we'd see them shortly. The red cheese guys had to drop off the photo trailer on the way and as they pulled into the warehouse the girl sitting bitch slumped over and started making noises, she was barely conscious but some how my girlfriend at the time figured out she needed to use the restroom. Our other friend in the car helped her carry the drunkard into the ladies room while the guys secured the red booth.
The two chilvarous ladies helped her undo her pants and plopped her down onto the toilet to pee. She quickly keeled over and they held her there listening to her tinkle. After a while they figured she must be done but at this point Lady PissBeth was utterly unconscious and would not budge. They then heard honking form the warehouse and new that if they wanted a ride they had to get going so the ladies formed a plan. Beth is a strong lady, so she would pick the unconscious one up off the toilet and Jen would pull up her pants and together they would drag her to the car. 1... 2... 3... go!

***Disclaimer*** if your squeemish leave... here click this - www.disney.com

As Beth lifted the dead weight off the toilet Jen reached to pull up her jeans but did not make it very far.. she screamed! Which in turn caused Beth to scream and drop the lifeless lady who fell forward on to the floor. Beth then screamed again for she now saw why Jen was screaming in the first place. El Drunko laid face down on the bathroom floor with a lincoln log of shit sticking out of her butt like a flag pole on Iwojima.

Let us take a moment to revel in the absurdity of this.

...

Okay moving on.

What follows is truly heroic. After calming down, exchanging knowing looks, and taking in a couple deep breaths (which was obviously a bad idea at the moment) the girls wadded up toilet paper, removed the feces, disposed it in the toilet and buttoned up the girl and dragged her shitty ass out of there.

Later that night she puked in my sleeping bag and moving it the next day was like lifting a plastic bag full of jello but that's neither here nor their.

Shit girl, as we call her because we cant remember her name, was a friend of a friend and was never told about her embarrassing moment -in fact if she read this she would have no idea we were talking about her. When I finally figure out her name. I'm going to have my will changed to include a tombstone inscription -It will read "Jane Do" YOU are shit girl!

-Raw

Catch and Release

It feels good to be loved. No doubt about that. Love from friends, family, spouses, and even strangers is the bees knees...sometimes.

When that love comes from a someone you work with, well that is just a recipe for awkwardness.

Some context: In the last week several people close to me at work have decided to quit their jobs. Their reasons for quitting are completely legitimate- from having to do a variety of mundane, demeaning tasks to the most obvious reason: our job fucking sucks. I support them in their decision and in many ways, I am envious of their newfound freedom. Many of our colleagues across the country have also decided to duck out.

But their departure leaves even fewer of us around. And the organization that has dragged us all through the mud over the past months is beginning to realize something is wrong with the situation. So after countless years of dismissing the "quitters" as being somehow weaker than the rest of them, they are atleast partially changing their tune.

...So now we are loved. Very loved. In a last ditch effort to make sure us "leftovers" are happy, our directors are convening meetings, hopping on conference calls, and drafting up plans to swap some of the organization rigidity that we have come to know with coolness. And its awkward as crap.

Imagine your parents throwing on a doo rag and rapping along to Tupac to show off to your friends. Its kindof like that.

My staff director talked to me about girls and baseball in the same sentence. I got two high-fives in one meeting. I think I might be able to get some of the senior staff to give me a back massage. Its like I am holding my happiness ransom, and they are making some big offers to get it released.

...The jokes on them. I will be sporting a moustache in the office next week.

-Dave

update

A barrage of posts coming your way today...