My cousin, Furia Martinez.

My cousin Furia is a riot. She's all sorts of awkward and she knows it. First off she's a lanky Mexican -so she's a walking contradiction. There is also the fact that she's a bit of a boozer -the harmless kind though. My uncle had to put her in a shopping cart and wheel her home after a night out for her 24th birthday. Then at age 28 she was hosting a friend and her husband in San Francisco for a weekend and when they arrived home from the bar the husband insisted the two ladies sleep in the bedroom -he was going to stay up and he'd take the couch. Well Maria woke up alone the next morning, she'd pissed her pants, bed and friend in her drunken doze.

The Maria Effect

What's more awkward, things are always happening to us when we're together. I was there when her dad (a base ball bat behind the front door kind of guy) walked in the room where her first boyfriend was standing. He ordered everyone out and went on to literally ask him "what are your intentions with my daughter?" We ran as fast as we could to get my aunt to call back the rabid animal that was my uncle in that moment. Poor kid, I'm surprised he didn't piss his pants. Needless to say we all went home early that night.

Zoo Animal for a Day

There's the time when we were hiking with my brother and an older gentlemen standing on a small hill on the trail ahead of them pointed at her and spoke to his wife "Look darling, it's a little Indian girl." What the fuck? I still try to wrap my head around why the guy thought it was okay to point, assume and declare.

The Amtrak Incident

This guy gets on the loud speaker mumbling into the phone, no one could understand what's being said and then suddenly he anunciantes "Where the FUCK am I!?" A drunk had commandeered the PA while simultaneously realizing he'd missed his stop. The parents were covering there kids ears and conductors were running up and down the train looking for the burping belligerent. It was awesome and I would like to think it was Furia's awkward voodoo charm that had brought the whole incident on.

YOU! Yeah you over there in the corner... what's his face!?

She also has this thing with names, my grandmother has it too. She can't ever remember peoples names and will go through an entire list of family before coming to the right one. Because of this she calls everyone by one of four nick names, Dar, Tard, Butt and Dog. Fortunately Butt and dog are exclusive to her sister and brother. Unfortunately all her friends think my name is Dar.

Feminine Feline Frenetics

Even her cat is fucking awkward! It'll sneak in to the bathroom and play with your feet while you shower -completely unafraid to get wet as most cats are. It also waits on the back of couches and jumps with full force at people's throats as they come out of the bedroom. From an onlookers point of view the scene is so absurd you'd swear you were looking at a Muppet act out a death scene but alas, there is no hand up little Kit's ass.

A tale of Two Pussies

Speaking of cats, her bass playing on again off again boyfriend is awkward too. He's a great guy but their relationship is something out of an early Kevin Smith movie. He was planning on going to visit her the other day and he called saying "My kitty's being awfully playful, I don't know if I can leave it." An hour later he calls back "The kitty fall asleep, I think I can come over now." Yet another 'what the FUCK!?' moment in the life of Furia.

I love you cousin. I'll come back to SF so we can share even more awkward moments soon.

-Raw