From the vaults of the San Francisco stories archive I dust off an old favorite. Beautiful in it's simplicity and lack of grace, this is a story I love telling and putting it to hard-copy should be interesting. Ladies and gentlemen, straight from San Francisco circa 2002 I give you the story of Shit Girl!
October... wait no by this time of night is was November 2002. The streets of the Castro district, Baghdad by the bay. The throngs of genderless party people were undulating in there intoxication were beginning to disperse and taxis were no where to be found -it was going to be a trek and a half to get home. The ladies lucked out though, the guys who ran the photo booth "red cheese dot com" had offered them a ride home so we parted knowing we'd see them shortly. The red cheese guys had to drop off the photo trailer on the way and as they pulled into the warehouse the girl sitting bitch slumped over and started making noises, she was barely conscious but some how my girlfriend at the time figured out she needed to use the restroom. Our other friend in the car helped her carry the drunkard into the ladies room while the guys secured the red booth.
The two chilvarous ladies helped her undo her pants and plopped her down onto the toilet to pee. She quickly keeled over and they held her there listening to her tinkle. After a while they figured she must be done but at this point Lady PissBeth was utterly unconscious and would not budge. They then heard honking form the warehouse and new that if they wanted a ride they had to get going so the ladies formed a plan. Beth is a strong lady, so she would pick the unconscious one up off the toilet and Jen would pull up her pants and together they would drag her to the car. 1... 2... 3... go!
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As Beth lifted the dead weight off the toilet Jen reached to pull up her jeans but did not make it very far.. she screamed! Which in turn caused Beth to scream and drop the lifeless lady who fell forward on to the floor. Beth then screamed again for she now saw why Jen was screaming in the first place. El Drunko laid face down on the bathroom floor with a lincoln log of shit sticking out of her butt like a flag pole on Iwojima.
Let us take a moment to revel in the absurdity of this.
...
Okay moving on.
What follows is truly heroic. After calming down, exchanging knowing looks, and taking in a couple deep breaths (which was obviously a bad idea at the moment) the girls wadded up toilet paper, removed the feces, disposed it in the toilet and buttoned up the girl and dragged her shitty ass out of there.
Later that night she puked in my sleeping bag and moving it the next day was like lifting a plastic bag full of jello but that's neither here nor their.
Shit girl, as we call her because we cant remember her name, was a friend of a friend and was never told about her embarrassing moment -in fact if she read this she would have no idea we were talking about her. When I finally figure out her name. I'm going to have my will changed to include a tombstone inscription -It will read "Jane Do" YOU are shit girl!
-Raw
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