Jigglin' for Change

It goes by many names: the street shake, the beggar bounce, the retard rock. But the official name is the canvass jiggle. And its awkward as hell...

For those of us who are in (or have recently been in) the world of environmental non-profits, its the bread n' butter of daily life. When we are sent out to the streets to raise money for the organization (aka canvass), it is the best way to look excited and get people to contribute to the cause (aka act like a huge douche and beg people for money).

From an outside perspective, its that thing that alerts you to the fact that the guy in the stupid t-shirt begging for money is a giant taint. It looks quite odd.

First, said taint puts his/her weight on the balls of their feet and lightly bounces up and down to the rhythms of their presentation. Of course, this almost makes it sound graceful, which it most certainly is not. This presentation is highly scripted, so the canvassing jiggle is really more of a douchey regurgitation than an improvisational dance. If you watch it long enough, you most certainly will throw up.

Second, the canvasser's hands join the party. At this point, he/she will have somehow found a way to get their clipboard into your hands. You will see their frantic spasms from the corner of your eye as you try to pretend to seem interested in what they are talking about. Its painful to watch, but impossible to ignore- kindof like watching someone get hit by a car...repeatedly.

Finally, the canvasser will finish up with their presentation and smile (in the field, we call it a "rap", though its considerably more painful to listen to- almost like the song Butterfly by Crazy Town). Its usually a horrendously cheesy smile, depending on how well the canvasser was trained. It will most likely want to make you kick a baby, but somehow you will probably just force a smile back.

Obviously, the exchange can go on and on, depending on how swiftly you can say "NO. I dont want to give you any money." (Try saying "I'll think about it" or "hmmm, maybe" to a canvasser. That is the equivalent of saying "please ask me to give you money again"). But I digress. You have witnessed the canvass jiggle. These three elements in harmony climb to the top of the douchebaggery meter (right up there with fanny packs and Adam Brody from "The O.C.")

Evolution certainly has some peculiarities. Peacocks, although beautiful, look ridiculous as they fan out their feathers and flash beauty at those around them. Porcupines can go to town killing animals in the forests, but have to be careful when getting intimate with other porcupines. An canvassers, for some unknown reason, have evolved these traits to distinguish themselves from the other people who beg for change on the streets. Its not to say that they are bad, or even the organizations they work for are (gulp), but their tactics sure are.

So, for those of you who are still in it, I hope you know you look ridiculous when you do the shake. And for those of you who are still scratching your heads, go hang out in a busy spot where canvassers are likely to roam. Don't worry, if you are assertive you wont have to give. But you will have to deal with some awwwkkkwardd shit. And you will know it when you see it

-Dave