Friday, April 30, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Fuckin' rock on California!
Seriously. I miss you Cali. Today you gave me another reason to be a proud west coaster. I wish I could have been there to take part. Oh, and to the cops who shot rubber bullets in to the UC Davis kids storming I-80... I hope you all get shot with real bullets some time soon.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Potential Mascots for International Theme Parks
"Hands"- Italy's favorite gesticulator
Tagline: "Heyyy!! Itsaaa me!"
"Ollie the Oyster"- Korea's Kupid
Tagline: "Go make baby now"
"Vodka Vlad"- Russia's Secretary of Health
Tagline: "Youu talkin tto mee?"
"Jean Shorts John"- Canada's Greaahhhttest Ambassador
Tagline: "Hello...and...welcome"
"Nuclear Nick"- Iran's Stealthy Sweetheart
Tagline: "You're all fucked"
Tagline: "Heyyy!! Itsaaa me!"
"Ollie the Oyster"- Korea's Kupid
Tagline: "Go make baby now"
"Vodka Vlad"- Russia's Secretary of Health
Tagline: "Youu talkin tto mee?"
"Jean Shorts John"- Canada's Greaahhhttest Ambassador
Tagline: "Hello...and...welcome"
"Nuclear Nick"- Iran's Stealthy Sweetheart
Tagline: "You're all fucked"
Monday, February 1, 2010
SNOW ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It snowed about 4 inches in central North Carolina this weekend.
For those of you unfamiliar with the devastating effects of snow in this part of the country, I can assure you its quite surreal. Some roads get pretty slick and occasionally wet slush downs a powerline or two. But the most horrifying effects of the weather take place in the hearts and minds of citizens here- not on the ground.
A mere mention of the word snow around the water cooler or on television sends residents of central North Carolina into a panic.
Grocery stores sell out of milk, bread, and batteries. Greg Fishel the weatherman becomes a bigger celebrity than Michael Jackson. And news stations generate new terrorizing theme music and graphics.
Young people drive like middle-aged people, middle-aged people drive like old people, and old people just don't drive (Snowy NC = Asia).
Schools unquestionably close. But they don't notify student and parents until 10pm the night before.
Curmudgeons curse the cold and vow to move south. School kids enjoy the freedom and vow to move north.
Dogs piss on everything. Everything pisses off cats.
Salt and sand will be applied to the roads until July. Swiss Miss earns 59% of their yearly profits.
And chickens with their heads cut off get thousands of new friends to share in their franticness.
-DC
Saturday, January 30, 2010
You go boy!
The church serves a funny backdrop for a very short awkward experience I had last night. It has a wide set of cement stairs leading up to the grand entrance. There is a mere five* steps coming to rest at the bottom of the four giant columns that support the roof of the structure but this did not stop the runner I witnessed last night from waxing triumphant.
As I was smoking a cigarette out front I saw a man sprinting in shorts, hoody and gloves in the frigid evening air. He was coming at me from Central square and as he neared the church he turned toward it sharply and scaled the measly five* steps. He then proceed to raise his hands in the air, execute three fists pumps and jump up in down in a direct reference to Philly's favorite fictional son. Next he let out a loud "wooooooooooooooHooooooooo." After which he lowered his hands and placed them in his pockets and continued walking down the street at a turtles pace shivering.
Thanks for the chuckle Rocky
*The front of the church is under construction and only the first five steps are accessible.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
All it took was a trivia night's worth of booze, a unique view of the San Francisco skyline, and a well/poorly placed tree.
Little did I realize at the time but I was tumbling towards somewhat of a cliff that would have deposited me right back on to the deck of the bridge I had just exited -after a rather long fall through the air. Alas, I stopped suddenly hitting the one tree that remained in the way of our view... and my death.
I few broken ribs, an awkward boost back over the fence and many shallow breaths later I am running late for work typing this up to you now because I'm spending much time in bed alone with my thoughts and I've realized that I am, in deed, ready to resume jotting down my awkward moments -typos and all.
Bro... Part II
... continued
brotein
"Brotein" is a substance that is known to improve one's energy, strength, and mood. It is usually consumed in the form of a brotein shake or supplements ("supps") and leads to extreme upper-body strength (note: brotein is not shown to have any effect on any muscle groups other than the abs, chest, and arms).
Example: Yo, put some of the brotein powder in my drink so that I can get swoll.
bromance
Unlike its common-english equivalent, bromance is not for sissies. Instead, it refers to actions that reinforce bonds between bros. These actions include: chest bumps, hybrid handshake/hugs ("handshugs"), drawn out exclamations ("brrooo!!!"), and exchanging A&F muscle shirts. Bromance is also a type of movie where men push through conflicts and become extremely close in the end. Most of these movies feature Paul Rudd.
Example: Me and Chainsaw Mike are going to make bromance tonight.
broam
To "broam" means to cruise the town looking to pick up women and have sex with them. Most broaming is done in a large SUV with loud rap music playing. Broaming usually occurs in locations heavily populated by alcohol vendors and social establishments.
Example: I think she lives near 19th street. Let's broam 'til we find her ass.
Brotary Club
Brotary Clubs are gatherings of bros who meet to play video games, watch bromance movies, and talk about women they would like to have sex with. There is generally an informal feel to these meetings, and they are usually convened by text message. Occasionally, Brotary Clubs have been known to reveal suppressed homosexual tendencies in participants.
Example: Yo, I just got the new Madden game- official meeting of the Brotary Club at 9 at my place.
brotest
To "brotest" is to express opposition to something based on its decidedly anti-bro characteristics. It is possible to brotest many things, but common targets of brotests include: getting a job, waking up before 2pm, not hitting women, and foods that require more than 3 ingredients.
Example: They are trying to legalize gay marriage so I'm going to brotest downtown.
broment
A broment is a period of time where the focus is on all things bro. Broments vary in length, and different people experience different types of broments.
Example: Just a broment! I have to make some EZ Mac n' Cheese real quick.
brotein
"Brotein" is a substance that is known to improve one's energy, strength, and mood. It is usually consumed in the form of a brotein shake or supplements ("supps") and leads to extreme upper-body strength (note: brotein is not shown to have any effect on any muscle groups other than the abs, chest, and arms).
Example: Yo, put some of the brotein powder in my drink so that I can get swoll.
bromance
Unlike its common-english equivalent, bromance is not for sissies. Instead, it refers to actions that reinforce bonds between bros. These actions include: chest bumps, hybrid handshake/hugs ("handshugs"), drawn out exclamations ("brrooo!!!"), and exchanging A&F muscle shirts. Bromance is also a type of movie where men push through conflicts and become extremely close in the end. Most of these movies feature Paul Rudd.
Example: Me and Chainsaw Mike are going to make bromance tonight.
broam
To "broam" means to cruise the town looking to pick up women and have sex with them. Most broaming is done in a large SUV with loud rap music playing. Broaming usually occurs in locations heavily populated by alcohol vendors and social establishments.
Example: I think she lives near 19th street. Let's broam 'til we find her ass.
Brotary Club
Brotary Clubs are gatherings of bros who meet to play video games, watch bromance movies, and talk about women they would like to have sex with. There is generally an informal feel to these meetings, and they are usually convened by text message. Occasionally, Brotary Clubs have been known to reveal suppressed homosexual tendencies in participants.
Example: Yo, I just got the new Madden game- official meeting of the Brotary Club at 9 at my place.
brotest
To "brotest" is to express opposition to something based on its decidedly anti-bro characteristics. It is possible to brotest many things, but common targets of brotests include: getting a job, waking up before 2pm, not hitting women, and foods that require more than 3 ingredients.
Example: They are trying to legalize gay marriage so I'm going to brotest downtown.
broment
A broment is a period of time where the focus is on all things bro. Broments vary in length, and different people experience different types of broments.
Example: Just a broment! I have to make some EZ Mac n' Cheese real quick.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Bro... Part I
MTV's new show "Jersey Shore" is taking the nation by storm. Young adults hailing from New Jersey are infesting college towns across the country, making the Asian long-horned beetle seem like a welcome dinner guest. While CDC researchers have not yet been able to develop a vaccine to protect against these invaders (or the STDs they often carry), researchers have begun to comprehend their antics and get a better grasp of who we are all up against. Perhaps most promising are the recent breakthroughs made by linguists in understanding the language of people from New Jersey.
The language is generally slurred and works best under the influence of Heineken's and Jagermeister. It is in its purest form at clubs, in bars, in hot tubs, and when shouted into a cell phone from 2-5 feet away. It also resonates the best from users who are wearing flat-brimmed baseball caps with a large shiny logo that is off-centered. Most male speakers have an unusually high pitch when speaking and utilize a variety of gesticulations to convey their point.
The language is characterized by the word "bro", which is derived from the common english word "brother". Although traditionally considered a term of endearment, "bro" is frequently combined with other terms to create new words and phrases that have varying meanings. A complete list has not yet been developed, but the following list provides some useful derivations of "bro":
bra
"Bra" and "bro" are very similar, but nuances render the two not entirely interchangeable. "Bra" is generally used to greet a familiar person (or someone whose sister you have slept with), while "bro" is used for people who are less familiar.
Example: Hey bra, we haven't nailed bitches in weeks!
broseph
"Broseph" can have a variety of meanings, depending on the intention of the user. Most of the time, it is combined with the last name of a famous "Joseph" to highlight particular behaviors that the two may have in common. "Broseph Goebbels" is reserved for people who exhibit Nazi-like attributes, or for people who completely cramp your style. Similarly "Broseph Stalin" refers to a particularly ruthless person, or someone with a tremendous moustache and sense of paranoia. While both "Bro Namath" and "Bro Montana" allude to tremendously successful football quarterbacks, they are not terms of endearment, since neither player ever wore a Giants Uniform. There are various other forms of "broseph" that work within this language.
Example: Yo, that dude is slinging more ass than Broseph Smith [the founder of Mormonism]
brosephina
Unlike "broseph", "brosephina" refers to someone who is acting like a sissy. Since it is generally still spoken to men, it is usually used to emasculate, and tends to provoke bro on bro violence.
Example: Yo brosephina, quit whining and come bash this dude's windshield in.
bronar
"Bronar" refers to one's ability to spot fly bitches in a public place. A good sense of bronar greatly improves a person's chance of getting his dick wet and further populating the state of New Jersey
Example: Sick bronar, bro. You saw that girl from a mile away!
Brolo's
Although it sounds like a tasty chocolaty treat, a brolo is flunitrazepam (aka a "Roofie") and is used to drug women who may seem less than flattered by repeated sexual advances in bars and clubs.
Example: Yo, slip that B a Rolo and let's jet.
-Dave
The language is generally slurred and works best under the influence of Heineken's and Jagermeister. It is in its purest form at clubs, in bars, in hot tubs, and when shouted into a cell phone from 2-5 feet away. It also resonates the best from users who are wearing flat-brimmed baseball caps with a large shiny logo that is off-centered. Most male speakers have an unusually high pitch when speaking and utilize a variety of gesticulations to convey their point.
The language is characterized by the word "bro", which is derived from the common english word "brother". Although traditionally considered a term of endearment, "bro" is frequently combined with other terms to create new words and phrases that have varying meanings. A complete list has not yet been developed, but the following list provides some useful derivations of "bro":
bra
"Bra" and "bro" are very similar, but nuances render the two not entirely interchangeable. "Bra" is generally used to greet a familiar person (or someone whose sister you have slept with), while "bro" is used for people who are less familiar.
Example: Hey bra, we haven't nailed bitches in weeks!
broseph
"Broseph" can have a variety of meanings, depending on the intention of the user. Most of the time, it is combined with the last name of a famous "Joseph" to highlight particular behaviors that the two may have in common. "Broseph Goebbels" is reserved for people who exhibit Nazi-like attributes, or for people who completely cramp your style. Similarly "Broseph Stalin" refers to a particularly ruthless person, or someone with a tremendous moustache and sense of paranoia. While both "Bro Namath" and "Bro Montana" allude to tremendously successful football quarterbacks, they are not terms of endearment, since neither player ever wore a Giants Uniform. There are various other forms of "broseph" that work within this language.
Example: Yo, that dude is slinging more ass than Broseph Smith [the founder of Mormonism]
brosephina
Unlike "broseph", "brosephina" refers to someone who is acting like a sissy. Since it is generally still spoken to men, it is usually used to emasculate, and tends to provoke bro on bro violence.
Example: Yo brosephina, quit whining and come bash this dude's windshield in.
bronar
"Bronar" refers to one's ability to spot fly bitches in a public place. A good sense of bronar greatly improves a person's chance of getting his dick wet and further populating the state of New Jersey
Example: Sick bronar, bro. You saw that girl from a mile away!
Brolo's
Although it sounds like a tasty chocolaty treat, a brolo is flunitrazepam (aka a "Roofie") and is used to drug women who may seem less than flattered by repeated sexual advances in bars and clubs.
Example: Yo, slip that B a Rolo and let's jet.
-Dave
Monday, January 25, 2010
A letter
Dear people who write answers to hypothetical questions posted on blog sites,
Perhaps you are missing the point. When a blogger posts pictures of animals sleeping in strange positions under the title "Have You Ever Been So Tired?", it is not an invitation for you to respond with "Ive definitly been thaaaaaat tired xD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Instead, the blogger was using that question to highlight how silly the sleeping animals seem. Your answer adds nothing to the experience, and suggests that you may be hovering around the lower limit of social intelligence. Please stop,
Thanks,
David
Perhaps you are missing the point. When a blogger posts pictures of animals sleeping in strange positions under the title "Have You Ever Been So Tired?", it is not an invitation for you to respond with "Ive definitly been thaaaaaat tired xD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Instead, the blogger was using that question to highlight how silly the sleeping animals seem. Your answer adds nothing to the experience, and suggests that you may be hovering around the lower limit of social intelligence. Please stop,
Thanks,
David
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Luke-warm Wisdom
On a recent journey through the web looking for interesting sites, I came across a blogger who posted "88 Important Truths I've Learned About Life" (from the site Raptitude.com, whose tagline is "Getting Better at Being Human"). While I adore the internet for its many hidden wonders, I do not enjoy the musings of retards with keyboards (irony noted and immediately dispelled: I am always right). I have decided to post responses to several of these lessons. Let this be a warning to anyone else who wants to fill the airwaves with useless, fluffy shit.
1. You can't change other people, and it's rude to try.
Incorrect. People are as malleable as playdough, and changing them is easy and commonplace. Beyond literally changing babies (which, I'm told, are mini-people) and drawing on someone's face when they fall asleep to change their appearance, there are many ways that people can be changed "on the inside". Try telling someone that you admire their fat rolls (especially if they don't really have any) and see if they start acting differently.
8. If everyone in the show you’re watching is good-looking, it’s not worth watching.
Has this person seen Baywatch? Or Desperate Housewives? Not to mention that its pretty ironic for someone this preachy and self-important to discuss TV shows as his #8 important truth about life. Attractive actors is the third most important factor about a show's quality (behind drug references and cursing).
11. Every problem you have is your responsibility, regardless of who caused it.
No way. Most problems are Jack Bauer's responsibility.
16. Cynicism is far too easy to be useful.
Really? I am finding quite a bit of use for mine.
25. Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.
I disagree. Putting something off makes it harder and scarier later on
32. The greatest innovation in the history of humankind is language.
Language is pretty important. It has led to even more important inventions like sarcasm, curse words, and those plastic singing fish that you mount on your wall. But there have been lots of other important innovations that have improved the human condition immensely: string cheese, jean shorts, spiders, and rockets, to name a few. I don't think language can top those.
68. It is worth re-trying foods that you didn’t like at first.
By this logic, the second and third seasons of Fear Factor should have been a success.
76. Sometimes you have to remove certain people from your life, even if they’re family.
I'm not sure this tactic worked too well for O.J.'s image. But I suppose it was his methods that got him into trouble. This tidbit of advice would be infinitely more helpful if the author discussed the proper ways to remove people from your life.
77. Anyone can be calmed in an instant by looking at the ocean or the stars.
But not at the sun. Which is a star. So, no. Looking at certain stars is extremely unnerving.
... There are many others, but my head is starting to spin.
-Dave
1. You can't change other people, and it's rude to try.
Incorrect. People are as malleable as playdough, and changing them is easy and commonplace. Beyond literally changing babies (which, I'm told, are mini-people) and drawing on someone's face when they fall asleep to change their appearance, there are many ways that people can be changed "on the inside". Try telling someone that you admire their fat rolls (especially if they don't really have any) and see if they start acting differently.
8. If everyone in the show you’re watching is good-looking, it’s not worth watching.
Has this person seen Baywatch? Or Desperate Housewives? Not to mention that its pretty ironic for someone this preachy and self-important to discuss TV shows as his #8 important truth about life. Attractive actors is the third most important factor about a show's quality (behind drug references and cursing).
11. Every problem you have is your responsibility, regardless of who caused it.
No way. Most problems are Jack Bauer's responsibility.
16. Cynicism is far too easy to be useful.
Really? I am finding quite a bit of use for mine.
25. Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.
I disagree. Putting something off makes it harder and scarier later on
32. The greatest innovation in the history of humankind is language.
Language is pretty important. It has led to even more important inventions like sarcasm, curse words, and those plastic singing fish that you mount on your wall. But there have been lots of other important innovations that have improved the human condition immensely: string cheese, jean shorts, spiders, and rockets, to name a few. I don't think language can top those.
68. It is worth re-trying foods that you didn’t like at first.
By this logic, the second and third seasons of Fear Factor should have been a success.
76. Sometimes you have to remove certain people from your life, even if they’re family.
I'm not sure this tactic worked too well for O.J.'s image. But I suppose it was his methods that got him into trouble. This tidbit of advice would be infinitely more helpful if the author discussed the proper ways to remove people from your life.
77. Anyone can be calmed in an instant by looking at the ocean or the stars.
But not at the sun. Which is a star. So, no. Looking at certain stars is extremely unnerving.
... There are many others, but my head is starting to spin.
-Dave
Friday, January 8, 2010
CNN poll
A CNN quick poll from today asks:
"Has the nation's cold snap affected you?"
__ Yes
__ No
... I can't wait to see the results on that one
"Has the nation's cold snap affected you?"
__ Yes
__ No
... I can't wait to see the results on that one
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
To Discovery!
First their was Ponce De Leon. And Columbus. Now, there's my friend Shelley.
While wandering aimlessly around her house last night, she discovered something she had never seen before- a closet. One may wonder why such a large, obvious object had never gone noticed, especially given that Shelley has lived in her place for nearly a year.
But discovery has a certain prestige, and there is no use diminishing the power of new real estate. I am told the closet will be used to "store things"- a brilliant idea from Miss Shelley. I just hope she doesn't bring small pox to whoever currently lives there.
-Dave
While wandering aimlessly around her house last night, she discovered something she had never seen before- a closet. One may wonder why such a large, obvious object had never gone noticed, especially given that Shelley has lived in her place for nearly a year.
But discovery has a certain prestige, and there is no use diminishing the power of new real estate. I am told the closet will be used to "store things"- a brilliant idea from Miss Shelley. I just hope she doesn't bring small pox to whoever currently lives there.
-Dave
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Sabotage
I got a really awkward look today at work. It was one of those looks that makes you check to see if your fly is open, or comb your hand across your head to see if someone put something in your hair. It was riddled with uncertainty and laced with disappointment and anger. It was a pretty powerful look.
And for the longest time, I couldn't figure out why the attorney had singled me out as the recipient of his burning gaze. I've been fairly productive this week- which is to say that I have completed all of the menial tasks that I have received and still managed to do atleast two crossword puzzles each day. I've been happy and excited too- I'm going to visit Madison this weekend for the first time in more than a year. And I've been looking pretty sharp- finally decided to shave and wear some of the shirts that I got for my birthday. Completely undeserving of awkward attention.
But then it hit me.
I left my book in plain view on my desk and the attorney had spotted it. This may not seem out of the ordinary, but in this place it is far from it...
Keep in mind that I work at a law firm that specializes in construction law. This means whenever there are disputes between developers, owners, contractors, subcontractors, vendors, and suppliers, our firm arrives on the scene to rake in some profit. And while many other sectors of the economy have slowed down, construction law has not- almost everyone is defaulting on their contracts or somehow offending the parties they are working for.
So when the attorney spotted the shiny cover of "The Monkey Wrench Gang" on my desk, he probably was taken aback.
For those of you unfamiliar with Edward Abbey and his most famous book, it basically tells the story of 4 unlikely partners who drive around the American West destroying roads, bridges, and construction equipment. The characters, like Abbey, are notoriously resentful of excessive development (or really any development for that matter) and band together with bolt cutters, wrenches, gas cans, and chainsaws to upend construction efforts. On the first page of the book, Abbey offers a brief definition of sabotage: "n. [Fr.< sabot, wooden shoe + -AGE: from damage done to machinery by sabots].
Might as well be reading the Communist Manifesto in Joseph McCarthy's office.
-Dave
And for the longest time, I couldn't figure out why the attorney had singled me out as the recipient of his burning gaze. I've been fairly productive this week- which is to say that I have completed all of the menial tasks that I have received and still managed to do atleast two crossword puzzles each day. I've been happy and excited too- I'm going to visit Madison this weekend for the first time in more than a year. And I've been looking pretty sharp- finally decided to shave and wear some of the shirts that I got for my birthday. Completely undeserving of awkward attention.
But then it hit me.
I left my book in plain view on my desk and the attorney had spotted it. This may not seem out of the ordinary, but in this place it is far from it...
Keep in mind that I work at a law firm that specializes in construction law. This means whenever there are disputes between developers, owners, contractors, subcontractors, vendors, and suppliers, our firm arrives on the scene to rake in some profit. And while many other sectors of the economy have slowed down, construction law has not- almost everyone is defaulting on their contracts or somehow offending the parties they are working for.
So when the attorney spotted the shiny cover of "The Monkey Wrench Gang" on my desk, he probably was taken aback.
For those of you unfamiliar with Edward Abbey and his most famous book, it basically tells the story of 4 unlikely partners who drive around the American West destroying roads, bridges, and construction equipment. The characters, like Abbey, are notoriously resentful of excessive development (or really any development for that matter) and band together with bolt cutters, wrenches, gas cans, and chainsaws to upend construction efforts. On the first page of the book, Abbey offers a brief definition of sabotage: "n. [Fr.< sabot, wooden shoe + -AGE: from damage done to machinery by sabots].
Might as well be reading the Communist Manifesto in Joseph McCarthy's office.
-Dave
Monday, August 17, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
SOCIALIST!!!
If you have been paying attention to the news lately, you’ve probably seen coverage of the healthcare town hall meetings that are taking the country by storm.
And that may not be such a bad idiom to use. Massive throngs of people, many of them elderly, are converging on auditoriums all over the country to make sure their opinions about healthcare reform are heard. The Congressmen who are hosting many of these town hall meetings are being greeted with boos, screams, enraged accusations, and the deafening hum of oxygen machines. Many of these gatherings have been less than civil, with frequent outbursts of anger stinking of regurgitated talking points from Fox News anchors and republican officials. In weather parlance, its been a perfect storm of misinformation, senility, and anger.
So when I got an email notifying me about a local town hall meeting with Democratic Congressman David Price, I knew I had to go.
The meeting was held in the stuffy auditorium on NC-Central University’s campus- a historically black college that I am quite certain has never seen so many old and white people parading around. My brother and I arrived an hour early and got decent seats about 100 feet from the stage. We scanned the audience to find potential trouble makers- the moustached man a few rows back with a US Marine Corps hat and a hand-written sign that read “Liberty or Death”, the white-haired gentleman in the center section scratching out notes on the back of an envelope, the motorcycle couple up front with matching mullets and tightly-crossed arms.
Apparently, lots of people had seen the news reports. The auditorium quickly filled to capacity and beyond, with camera flashes and video camera lights blinking in almost every row. Local news outlets and reporters were on the scene, yearning for a chance to capture someone shouting “socialist” or accusing Rep. Price of wanting to kill old people. The anticipation of conflict was certainly palpable.
In those types of situations, I am always tempted to do something rediculous and completely out of left field. But I decided to let other people do that for me.
The emcee of the event began the evening by asking everyone to rise and recite the pledge of allegiance. We then observed a moment of silence for those who “were unable to join us tonight.” Im assuming that he wasn’t referring to the millions of other Americans who were probably watching reruns of CSI on their couch. Either way, it was a little strange to bang the drums of patriotism and recite oaths just to talk about healthcare. Once everyone felt happy and tingly on the inside, we started.
The first outburst came about 4 minutes in. One of the speakers on the panel was talking about the absurdity that Bernie Madoff will be receiving healthcare in his jail cell courtesy of the US government, but that almost 50 million hard working Americans do not have access to the same resources.
“I came here to talk to my congressmen, not to be lectured by some mo-ron!”
Ironically, the disgruntled shouter stormed out of the building, despite the fact that Rep. Price was twiddling his thumbs queued up to speak next.
There were several more outbursts and boos as the evening went on- mostly reacting to the possibility of elderly people being marched out of their retirement homes to face a government-sponsored firing squad. But many of them were hushed and suppressed by the eloquence of Mr. Price and the other speakers on the panel (no, not a death panel). The folks who lined up on the yelling side of the aisle were drowned out by the other participants who actually had things to say. I suppose its pretty easy to get riled up watching Sean Hannity or Glen Beck yak about healthcare on tv, but much harder to translate these unintelligible sentence fragments when faced with an intelligent opposition.
My favorite outburst came towards the end of the evening, when another man with a moustache got behind the microphone and said: “I have three daughters, and I just am worried about America. I don’t want them to be raised in...have to pay debt, because socialism.”
It sounded like a direct translation from a Japanese video game. What the hell does any of that mean? Nouns and verbs and adjectives don’t fit together that way. And certainly no sort of meaning could be derived from that rubbish. But the funny thing is that other people nodded. Other people seemed concerned by what was troubling this man, and his words made sense to them.
Rep. Price stared blankly for a minute and then answered tersely: “I think we have a problem with definitions here.”
And we do. We have a problem with definitions, with information, with scope, and with meaning. We have completely lost sight of what the healthcare discussion is about, how it got to where it is, and what needs to happen. We let people think for us and act on our behalf that have no business doing so. We all need to go to a town hall meeting and listen to the David Prices of the world and see if his points are really refutable. And when we feel tempted to accuse someone of being a socialist or cut and paste from Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, we should pause just a minute and remember that this fight is not about politics. Its about doing what is right.
-Dave
And that may not be such a bad idiom to use. Massive throngs of people, many of them elderly, are converging on auditoriums all over the country to make sure their opinions about healthcare reform are heard. The Congressmen who are hosting many of these town hall meetings are being greeted with boos, screams, enraged accusations, and the deafening hum of oxygen machines. Many of these gatherings have been less than civil, with frequent outbursts of anger stinking of regurgitated talking points from Fox News anchors and republican officials. In weather parlance, its been a perfect storm of misinformation, senility, and anger.
So when I got an email notifying me about a local town hall meeting with Democratic Congressman David Price, I knew I had to go.
The meeting was held in the stuffy auditorium on NC-Central University’s campus- a historically black college that I am quite certain has never seen so many old and white people parading around. My brother and I arrived an hour early and got decent seats about 100 feet from the stage. We scanned the audience to find potential trouble makers- the moustached man a few rows back with a US Marine Corps hat and a hand-written sign that read “Liberty or Death”, the white-haired gentleman in the center section scratching out notes on the back of an envelope, the motorcycle couple up front with matching mullets and tightly-crossed arms.
Apparently, lots of people had seen the news reports. The auditorium quickly filled to capacity and beyond, with camera flashes and video camera lights blinking in almost every row. Local news outlets and reporters were on the scene, yearning for a chance to capture someone shouting “socialist” or accusing Rep. Price of wanting to kill old people. The anticipation of conflict was certainly palpable.
In those types of situations, I am always tempted to do something rediculous and completely out of left field. But I decided to let other people do that for me.
The emcee of the event began the evening by asking everyone to rise and recite the pledge of allegiance. We then observed a moment of silence for those who “were unable to join us tonight.” Im assuming that he wasn’t referring to the millions of other Americans who were probably watching reruns of CSI on their couch. Either way, it was a little strange to bang the drums of patriotism and recite oaths just to talk about healthcare. Once everyone felt happy and tingly on the inside, we started.
The first outburst came about 4 minutes in. One of the speakers on the panel was talking about the absurdity that Bernie Madoff will be receiving healthcare in his jail cell courtesy of the US government, but that almost 50 million hard working Americans do not have access to the same resources.
“I came here to talk to my congressmen, not to be lectured by some mo-ron!”
Ironically, the disgruntled shouter stormed out of the building, despite the fact that Rep. Price was twiddling his thumbs queued up to speak next.
There were several more outbursts and boos as the evening went on- mostly reacting to the possibility of elderly people being marched out of their retirement homes to face a government-sponsored firing squad. But many of them were hushed and suppressed by the eloquence of Mr. Price and the other speakers on the panel (no, not a death panel). The folks who lined up on the yelling side of the aisle were drowned out by the other participants who actually had things to say. I suppose its pretty easy to get riled up watching Sean Hannity or Glen Beck yak about healthcare on tv, but much harder to translate these unintelligible sentence fragments when faced with an intelligent opposition.
My favorite outburst came towards the end of the evening, when another man with a moustache got behind the microphone and said: “I have three daughters, and I just am worried about America. I don’t want them to be raised in...have to pay debt, because socialism.”
It sounded like a direct translation from a Japanese video game. What the hell does any of that mean? Nouns and verbs and adjectives don’t fit together that way. And certainly no sort of meaning could be derived from that rubbish. But the funny thing is that other people nodded. Other people seemed concerned by what was troubling this man, and his words made sense to them.
Rep. Price stared blankly for a minute and then answered tersely: “I think we have a problem with definitions here.”
And we do. We have a problem with definitions, with information, with scope, and with meaning. We have completely lost sight of what the healthcare discussion is about, how it got to where it is, and what needs to happen. We let people think for us and act on our behalf that have no business doing so. We all need to go to a town hall meeting and listen to the David Prices of the world and see if his points are really refutable. And when we feel tempted to accuse someone of being a socialist or cut and paste from Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, we should pause just a minute and remember that this fight is not about politics. Its about doing what is right.
-Dave
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Some Short of a Quandry
My friend and I have been debating something for quite some time...
Our exchanges always end up the same way- my friend calls me short. I respond by telling him that I am not short, but actually am the national average for height (which is true). His reply is always "yea, national average for female midgets"...
...I get what he's saying, but Im a little shaky on the correctness of it. I ask: are female midgets really shorter than male midgets? And is there really a recorded national average for female midgets?
-Dave
Our exchanges always end up the same way- my friend calls me short. I respond by telling him that I am not short, but actually am the national average for height (which is true). His reply is always "yea, national average for female midgets"...
...I get what he's saying, but Im a little shaky on the correctness of it. I ask: are female midgets really shorter than male midgets? And is there really a recorded national average for female midgets?
-Dave
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Hooray for Trees
Several weeks ago, my doorbell rang. At the door was a goofy, hand-waving young man carrying a clip board and wearing a stupid blue shirt with the words "Environment North Carolina". He asked me for my money.
The interaction certainly filled me with rage (he works for the organization that I just quit- see blog posts with keywords "canvassing", "terrible job", and "holy shit, I want to kick a baby"). But I was more amazed at how withdrawn I felt from the experience- even though he was doing exactly what I did just a few months earlier. It was almost as if my doorstep visitor was from another planet. And for a brief moment, I thought: how does someone even get into that line of work?
And then I remembered.
This week is the annual brainwashing week for all salaried employees of the non profit organization Environment America in Boston, Massachusetts. A week when young, malleable-minded individuals hop on planes, trains, and buses from all over the country and converge on the city where a bunch of rascals hurled some tea into the water several hundred years earlier.
There will be extensive "training"- roleplays followed by roleplays in subjects ranging from "how to map a legislator's sources of influence" to "how to conduct press calls before a news conference". There will be speakers- various state-level advocates, fellows who have lasted several years in the organization, and maybe even a low-level local politician desperate to harness the organization's canvassing arm for their benefit. Trainees will practice introducing themselves, shaking hands, and grinning like an idiot.
At night, there will be organized social events, so trainers can analyze conversations and character in a Sam Adams soaked environment. Watching to see where each of the new crop of employees will fit best.
And at the end of the week, returning employees will trudge back to their offices ready to endure another year of hellish mistreatment and soul-depleting heirarchy. And the new employees will get placed in various offices around the country, each swelling with idealism and eager to tackle the challenges that lie just beyond the reach of Environment America's organizational rigidity. And in two, six, or twelve months down the road, most of them will have been deflated like a balloon, either quitting or just going through the motions because they have no time or energy to break the mold.
Last year, more than 40 people headed to Boston in August. Only about 7 remain. The year before, a similar proportion lasted that long. And this year will probably be similar.
So its easy to see how someone could get sucked in and wind up on your doorstep begging for money. Its the feeling of worth you get training with an organization that aligns with your ideals (atleast on paper). Its the feeling of camaraderie from working with so many other people who are in the same boat at the same time. And it is the calm before the storm of a year otherwise spent in confusion, misery, and anger.
I hope some of them end up enjoying their job- they certainly will be the minority. And for the rest of them who are still trucking through, my hats off to ya.
-Dave
The interaction certainly filled me with rage (he works for the organization that I just quit- see blog posts with keywords "canvassing", "terrible job", and "holy shit, I want to kick a baby"). But I was more amazed at how withdrawn I felt from the experience- even though he was doing exactly what I did just a few months earlier. It was almost as if my doorstep visitor was from another planet. And for a brief moment, I thought: how does someone even get into that line of work?
And then I remembered.
This week is the annual brainwashing week for all salaried employees of the non profit organization Environment America in Boston, Massachusetts. A week when young, malleable-minded individuals hop on planes, trains, and buses from all over the country and converge on the city where a bunch of rascals hurled some tea into the water several hundred years earlier.
There will be extensive "training"- roleplays followed by roleplays in subjects ranging from "how to map a legislator's sources of influence" to "how to conduct press calls before a news conference". There will be speakers- various state-level advocates, fellows who have lasted several years in the organization, and maybe even a low-level local politician desperate to harness the organization's canvassing arm for their benefit. Trainees will practice introducing themselves, shaking hands, and grinning like an idiot.
At night, there will be organized social events, so trainers can analyze conversations and character in a Sam Adams soaked environment. Watching to see where each of the new crop of employees will fit best.
And at the end of the week, returning employees will trudge back to their offices ready to endure another year of hellish mistreatment and soul-depleting heirarchy. And the new employees will get placed in various offices around the country, each swelling with idealism and eager to tackle the challenges that lie just beyond the reach of Environment America's organizational rigidity. And in two, six, or twelve months down the road, most of them will have been deflated like a balloon, either quitting or just going through the motions because they have no time or energy to break the mold.
Last year, more than 40 people headed to Boston in August. Only about 7 remain. The year before, a similar proportion lasted that long. And this year will probably be similar.
So its easy to see how someone could get sucked in and wind up on your doorstep begging for money. Its the feeling of worth you get training with an organization that aligns with your ideals (atleast on paper). Its the feeling of camaraderie from working with so many other people who are in the same boat at the same time. And it is the calm before the storm of a year otherwise spent in confusion, misery, and anger.
I hope some of them end up enjoying their job- they certainly will be the minority. And for the rest of them who are still trucking through, my hats off to ya.
-Dave
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