A lot of things are awkward. Family holiday parties can be awkward. Death can be awkward. A new job is often awkward for a long while. Reuniting with old friends and loved ones is probably more often awkward then it is in the movies -with the hugs and the tears and the long back-stories. Just plain growing up is awkward, the first day of school, puberty, high school –all awkward.
Having so many awkward times in life is probably a good thing though. Without them how could we appreciate those times where we are comfortable, with close friends, or lying in bed with a loved one. Without awkward times how could one appreciate being at peace and feeling right?
Throughout life there are going to be all kinds of moments and a good chunk of them are going to be down right awkward. Many of these awkward times will arise due to sex. Whether you’re building up to the moment, or in the middle of it and something goes haywire; Whether you don't know how long to wait to go pee when the after glow diminishes or if you’re the single roommate having to hear your friends go at it then come out winking at each other to get a glass of water -when it come to sex awkward moments are abound.
Here are some examples of things that have happened to me when sex gets awkward:
When I lost my virginity...
She was obviously in pain while I was giving it my initial try so I stopped. I changed up the plan and lowered my head to please her in other ways but she grabbed me by my ears and demanded that I stop being gentle and get it over with. In the end it was her pulling me down to her that performed the hymens Coup d'état. If you ever want to know how loosing your virginity could be emasculating... well here's one way.
A few months later...
She wanted to fuck standing up. I had her ass in my hands and her legs were wrapped around me. I asked her to put her arms around my head. I was going to take three steps to the wall and use it to brace her so I could move enough to do the job right. I told her to wrap her arms around my head. I was looking forward to this for a while, this manly position was redeeming and I was happy and I wanted to make her happy. I told her to put her arms around my head! She didn't. As I went to take the first step she fell backwards. Her shoulders hit the stuccoed wall at about the height of my stomach. her legs were still wrapped around me, my hand could only grasp her ass tighter. Her shoulders slid down the wall making a low sandpaper sound and there on the floor her shoulders came to rest, neck tweaked forward, her chin on her chest and her leg still wrapped around me. I told her to wrap her god damned arms around my head. We broke up a few months later, it would be 3 years before I attempted that maneuver again.
Wrong wrong wrong...
I think this has happened to a lot of people and it's pretty painful so I wont overly expound on the topic. I do want to say that most often it is really an accident ladies. I mean there are guys out there who will play "woops" but if your fucking that kind of an ass hole, well then yours probably had it comin'. And guys, be fuckin' careful, always ask for permission and go slow when assuming the about face. If you fuck up a 2nd time she should be allowed to stick a cucumber up yours and hit it with a hammer three times. Put yourself in her position.
Non-relationship sex -a shitty situation...
It's all fine and dandy to jump up and pee, smoke a cigarette and grab a sandwich on your way back when your in a relationship but post coitus is a tricky beast when scampering in the realm of casual sex.
About a year ago I was having a one night stand and I had to use the restroom. We were spooning and our legs were intertwined. I tried to release myself but her thighs tightened their grip telling me "nah uh uh, not yet." Then came the stomach grumble, shit!, I didn't just have to pee. I eventually feigned thirst and got up to "fetch a glass of water" I stopped in the bathroom on the way back and realized that every noise made would be audible in the next room. I had to take my time in order to not have to face her post-audible-bowel-movement. If I took too long, however, she would surely start suspecting the true intent of my getting out of bed; or worse, think that something "was wrong". I was in no way prepared to hear a knock on the door and a tentative voice say "is something wrong? are you okay in there?" I am a nervous person and soap bottles and freshener canisters would sure have been knocked over. Crap, there was another problem, how was I supposed to mask the sound of the air freshener? How was I supposed to NOT use it? Damn, I needed to get home. Fortunately a friend called my phone about the time I was leaving the restroom. I told my date it was an emergency and left before she could get out of bed. Leaving her with only a distant kiss on the forehead. I wonder if this makes me an asshole.
The "not getting any" awkward sex moment...
Coming home to the sound of your roommates screwing is always awkward. Even if your a pretty open person and don't care or feel awkward for yourself the noise you make surely has an effect on the lovebirds. If you make too much noise you could scare them into stopping and if you're too quiet they could not realize your home and things could escalate. Walking this line can be tricky but given a certain level of maturity with all parties involved no overly awkward moment should come from it. Sometimes though, people just don't get it and sometimes all the maturity in the world doesn't smooth over a situation.
To my friend, who will remain nameless, that time that my girlfriend and I were done screwing but someone was still panting. We know it was you in the next room, by yourself. Yes, we heard you and that, well that was awkward. Try not to do that to your roommates of the future.
to be continued...
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