Politics and Concrete Don't Mix

I don't talk about politics at work. For the summer, I am holding down a temporary gig as a office assistant at a local law firm (atleast that is what i put on my resume- "office assistant" seems a little glorious for the work that I am doing). The firm specializes in construction law. We handle disputes between various contractors, developers, subcontractors, and pretty much everyone in North Carolina named Billy, Clint, Buddy, and Jimmy.

So talking about politics doesn't make much sense here. Folks at this firm are generally in a different tax bracket than me, and their wealth is directly tied to development; the more that people build, the more disputes arise, and the more work the firm has. I always learned that development was something with which to proceed cautiously- because of its toll on water resources, quality of life, environmental concerns, and traffic. These people build mini malls, apartment complexes, highway extensions and parking lots like they were made of legos. So we're not all on the same page.

Yesterday, for the first time, I got a glimpse of what I had suspected was hidden beneath the dirt-caked surface. I was speaking with one of the secretaries about a recent disappointment regarding her old DUI arrest. A year had passed since she swerved through town in her old green pickup truck, and she expected to have her car's breathalyzer machine removed (For those of you unaware, this is a machine that you have to breathe sober breath into to be able to start your car- they pretty much come standard with all cars sold in NC). Of course, due to some discrepancy between the DMV and the company that manufactures the breathalyzer (and is the only one capable of removing it), she will have to keep the machine on an extra two months.

I made some comment about the how annoying the politics of this can be- partly because it is true and partly because I didn't want to say "well, you probably should have thought of this before you drank and drove". She replied: "Yea. The government always does this."

"But, like my husband says, its not as bad as them takin' over healthcare. I'd go into the doctor with a note to get a wart removed off my neck and they'd cut off my toe!"

...Took me a second to even realize what she was getting at. [Really? You would go into the doctors office with a note to remove a wart from your neck? You have warts on your neck?] But after it hit me, I realized she was coughing up the same talking points that you might hear on Limbaugh, Fox, or the right side of the aisle in Washington: Any government intervention in healthcare will make doctors retarded. And you will lose a toe.

What kind of nonsense is that? There are so many questions to ask someone who actually believes that. Forget political affiliations and educational background- we are talking about basic competence. Certainly, the healthcare issue in insanely complex. But there is a point at which verbal clutter like that does nothing to advance the discussion and reflects a dangerously low level of understanding. I wont try to tackle the healthcare issue here, but maybe a brief overview is in order...

We are sick. We are fat. We are getting sicker and fatter. We spend a lot of money on healthcare and don't get a lot out of it. Some people don't get anything out of it. We need to make sure everyone has access to healthcare, and that we can pay for it. Doctors and hospitals need a lot of money. The government should probably provide some funding. Don't worry, they already do. They offer Medicare and Medicaid- and those are two of the highest-rated healthcare programs we have. But Barack Obama doesn't want to be your doctor. He doesn't even want to choose your doctor for you- that's what insurance companies have been doing. We have to make sure that doctors can see more patients- and that more patients can see doctors. To pay for this, we need less waste in the system. And that means changing a few things. But it doesn't mean losing coverage or access to your doctor. And it certainly doesn't mean losing quality of care.

...Obviously, there is a lot more to it than that. But regardless of how you cut it, what we have isn't working. And what we are saying about what we have and what we need really isn't working. Whatever "news" programs and email alerts have been trumpeting the message of a socialist, pro-toe removal government that wants to takeover healthcare needs to stop. They are probably not being written by the 47 million Americans that are worse off than the rest of us. Or by the Americans who are actually making suggestions and bringing substance to the discussion. So as our country trudges through this one, let's atleast speak about these things intelligently.

I don't talk about politics at work.

-Dave

Dear President Obama... (I actually sent this)

July 28th, 2009

President Barack Obama
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20500


Dear President Obama,

I hope you are doing well. Its hard to believe its been nearly nine months since you were elected! I can remember my excitement that night last November watching your acceptance speech from a restaurant in Boulder, Colorado- a testament to the power of passion and perseverance.

In fact, I spent quite a bit of time working to bring your dream to life. During the three months leading up to the election, I traveled to swing states around the country carrying your message of hope and promise to voters. In Iowa, I registered college students to vote. In Ohio, I organized meetings and events to get young people out to the polls. And in New Hampshire and Colorado, I knocked on doors and called voters to make sure they were ready to check the box next to your name. I voted absentee in North Carolina and called every friend I had in Wisconsin, Minnesota, Florida, and Virginia.

Those were three of the most challenging months of my life. In Iowa City, I slept on the floor in an apartment building that had been vacated after significant flood damage. In Columbus, I stayed in an apartment that permanently reeked of rotten squid after a prolonged power outage thawed the contents of the abandoned freezer. And in Concord, I was sandwiched in to a three-bedroom apartment with 11 other people. I drank more cups of coffee than I can remember, and slept fewer hours than ever before. But those months were also the most exciting that I can remember, and I was lucky to have taken part in such a historical event.

In the time since the election and inauguration, I have been struggling to find a job. The current economic situation has proven difficult and many would-be employers are barely able to stay afloat. I have applied to jobs with private companies, non profits, and government agencies (boy the USAJobs website has some difficult applications!). Most organizations, if they have responded to my cover letters and resumes at all, have replied with a “no”. I suspect that the few companies that are hiring are getting tired of seeing my experiences summarized in 10.5 font on a single page.

As my anxiety over employment has grown, so too has my desire to overcome the challenges that currently face this nation. I have a Bachelors of Science degree in Human Geography from the University of Wisconsin-Madison and a keen interest in environmental policy. I am eager to do whatever it takes to help you make good on the promises you laid out during your campaign. I am writing to see if you are able to help me out- with a job, a letter of recommendation, or even a well-placed phone call on my behalf. I understand that you are busy, but I would be extremely grateful for any help you can provide. Thank you for your time, and I wish you continued success navigating through these difficult times.



Your friend,


David K. Christopher

Is that the Breast you can do?

A funny headline caught my eye the other day: "Playboy bunnies hop on horse issue" (Politico 7/26). I had to read it several times to make sure that I had it down correctly (cut off the last word and you really have a good story!).

Sure enough, the Barbi Twins of centerfold fame have been advocating for the "Restore our American Mustangs Act," which passed through the House of Representatives recently. The act allocates stronger regulations and more land to protect wild horses in the American West. And while there are certainly more pressing issues facing our country, this is a good thing.

The oppositions to the bill were not particularly stunning, nor was the commentary in support of it. But I was a little amazed at the framing of the article.

Does it really matter that Playboy bunnies were in support of this? Does it even matter that Playboy bunnies hold any viewpoints at all?

Do you think that you might have seen the article "Billy Thomas of Davenport, Iowa hops on horse issue"? Or "Jane Doe of Sioux Falls, South Dakota hops on horse issue"? Of course not. So why are these nude models dignified in the "Top Stories" section of Politico? It seems that revealing your breasts is your ticket to both being seen and being heard. And I can't think of too many things I would less rather put a microphone in front of.

In Politico's frame, this is only a story because of the Playboy bunnies. And that is frustrating, disappointing, stupid, and remarkably inconsequential. From now on, if I see "Playboy Bunnies" in the title, it better look something like this:

"Playboy Bunnies negotiate peace deal between Israel and Palestine"

"Playboy Bunnies develop carbon-neutral fuel source available immediately"

"Playboy Bunnies thwart hostile takeover of African village"

and, of course...

"Playboy Bunnies hop on horse"

-Dave

Errand in Raleigh

I drove the truck to downtown Raleigh and back for an errand today. Figured out some tough math...

(95 degrees + lots of humidity) - air conditioning = butt sweat

-Dave

I Can't Believe Its Butter...

I pride myself on being someone who orders relatively simple things from restaurants.

That way, I feel easily-satisfiable and more in tune with the workings of the service world (The antithesis of this would be the person whose Starbucks order sounds like an exchange from The Godfather). Also, I think simple things often taste better, and are much easier to prepare.

So, as I walked in to the local bagel place this morning, I expected another perfectly-toasted bagel with a little bit of butter and a medium coffee...

The "sandwich artist" placed one large dollop of butter on each half of my bagel, made a half-assed attempt to spread it around, and plopped the two halves together. As she did a massive chunk of butter slid out from the edge and fell to the wax paper below. I assumed she would remove the excess, but she neatly wrapped it up, along with my bagel, and handed me my order over the counter. The butter had already turned the paper completely clear, and I could see the beginnings of a heart attack ooze from all around the bagel's edge.

Im not sure what my order would have looked like had I ordered something other than "a little bit of butter", but I am almost tempted to find out.

I drank the rest of my sopping bagel, and went to work...

[See also: Dunkin Donuts coffee when "a tiny bit" of sugar is ordered]

-Dave

Journalism gone awry...

Politico.com's front page story today poses "10 Questions for President Obama."

Some of these questions are reasonable, though most have a accusatory and skeptical air about them. They do, however, generally address issues that are important and deserve explanation.

Well, most of them atleast... For their last questions, the authors do ask "Do you still plan on joining a Washington-area church and attending services?"...

Thank goodness they asked that one... Whew. Talk about hard hitting journalism about important issues.

-Dave

Are You Kitten Me?!

Somewhere near the bottom of the bedpan of American society, lies PETA.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is an organization that fights vigilantly for animal rights, equating everything that has a heartbeat and disregarding any information that may complicate the issue more than that. Many of their poorly-conceived campaigns replace reason, fact, and scientific investigation with speculation, emotion, and feel-goodery. And while they often have admirable goals, PETA irreparably harms the credibility of animal advocacy.

But if you can take a step back from that, their shit is hilarious...

Take, for instance, a campaign aimed at children that PETA launched some time ago called "Save the Sea Kittens". Their goal, simply put, is to get children to think of fish and aquatic animals as kittens of the sea, so they are more likely to protect them. We will forget for a moment that this targets impressionable youngsters- who are busy learning science, reasoning, solving problems, and soaking up the world around them- in an effort to convert more individuals to see the world through their eyes. Instead, we will focus on the content of this campaign.

What's the deal with sea kittens, you ask?

People don't seem to like fish. They're slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least. Plus, the small ones nibble at your feet when you're swimming, and the big ones—well, the big ones will bite your face off if Jaws is anything to go by.

Of course, if you look at it another way, what all this really means is that fish need to fire their PR guy—stat. Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You've done enough damage, buddy. We've got it from here. And we're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

... holy shit... of course, this doesn't exactly clarify what a sea kitten is. How about some facts about these wonderful creatures:

• Like their surface-dwelling cousins, the land kittens, sea kittens enjoy being petted. Their lack of arms makes it difficult for them to pet back, but they often gently rub against each other as a sign of affection.
• Sea kittens talk to each other through squeaks, squeals, and other low-frequency sounds that humans can only hear through special instruments. Most ichthyologists—scientists who specialize in sea kitten biology—agree that this is just about the cutest thing ever.
• Some sea kittens tend well-kept gardens. They encourage the growth of tasty algae and weed out the types that they don't like. It is particularly tragic when people eat these sea kittens, as their precious little gardens become wild and overgrown in their absence.

What's next: Flies as "air bunnies"? Parasitic heartworms as "flesh ponies"? I think these campaigns could really catch on.

The best part of the campaign is the ability to design your own sea kitten. I encourage it- this helps you to get a real sense of what these creatures are like. This is the sea kitten that I made. His name is Boner.


Create Your Own Sea Kitten at peta.org!

-Dave

Nutty Survey

A research company conducting a survey called the house last night...

Being such a model citizen, and interested in how the public retains information from the news, I agreed to participate. The voice on the other end of the telephone, began to read me questions from her computer screen (The parallels between her job and canvassing are eerie- if for no other reason, one should participate to make sure the surveyor can get a "hot night" and not be fired for surveying too few people)...

...How closely did you pay attention to coverage about the following stories from the news this week? (Very closely, somewhat closely, not very closely, not at all)
Sup Ct Nominee Sonya Sotomayor hearings
Healthcare reform
Bombing in Indonesia
Michael Jackson

What do you think about the amount of news coverage for each of these stories? (Way too much, somewhat too much, the right amount, somewhat too little, way too little)

With regards to healthcare reform, do you think the issue is:
Important?
Interesting?
Difficult to understand?

...and then all of the sudden...

...Do you eat a lot of nuts?

Quite obviously, I froze up. Do I eat a lot of nuts? Where the hell did that come from?

"Uhhh...yes", I responded, ready to hear a friend's voice to barge in on the other end of the telephone and start laughing. But the surveyor just kept on plowing through the questions on her computer screen...

Do you think some nuts are healthier than others?

How often do you eat nuts?

Do you consider nuts a special treat?

Do you eat pistachios? walnuts? cashews? pecans?

After a few minutes, she asked me some demographic questions and then ended the call. I'm sure there is a perfectly good explanation about that survey, and I cannot wait to see the results of someone's study linking political receptiveness to consumption of nuts. But I couldn't help but think that it was a fairly awkward transition.

-Dave

Happy Anniversary

We landed on the moon!... 40 years ago yesterday. Suck on that, USSR

Moon Hoax

Apparently, 6% of Americans still believe we never landed on the moon.

That's remarkably discouraging, given that these 19 million or so people probably go through life thinking there is nothing wrong with them. Well, there is.


To completely disregard one of the most astonishing feats of human kind is to trivialize a branch of science that has provided us with incredible discoveries, state-of-the-art technologies, and clever inventions. NASA's contributions to "everyday society" are enormous- many of these contributions are a direct result of our efforts to go farther than we ever have before. Namely, to the moon.

Advances in medicine including: MRI's, Laser eye surgery, and prosthetic limbs have benefited millions of people.

Smoke detectors, ergonomically-designed chairs, drinking water purifiers, and satellite television have improved the safety and comfort of home living.

Bar codes, invisible braces, fire-resistant materials, memory-foam mattresses, sun glasses, ski boots, football helmets, and toothpaste were also all direct results of NASA research.

And the list goes on...

... So denying such an event, while taking these items for granted is obtuse, ill-informed, and stupid. But that goes without saying. The entertaining bit is the conviction with which these views are expressed and the attempted "scientific" explanations used to express them! At the risk of giving these people any undeserved attention, it is worth looking at a few of their claims. [Taken from http://www.apfn.org/apfn/moon.htm, which is authored by a "self-taught" engineer].

• One NASA picture from Apollo 11 is looking up at Neil Armstrong about to take his giant step for mankind. The photographer must have been lying on the planet surface. If Armstrong was the first man on the Moon, then who took the shot?
  
• Apollo 14 astronaut Allen Shepard played golf on the Moon. In front of a worldwide TV audience, Mission Control teased him about slicing the ball to the right. Yet a slice is caused by uneven air flow over the ball. The Moon has no atmosphere and no air.
• The flags shadow goes behind the rock so doesn't match the dark line in the foreground, which looks like a line cord. So the shadow to the lower right of the spaceman must be the flag. Where is his shadow?

The answer to these barely warrants the attention of the gang from "Blue's Clues" on Nickelodeon. But these are living, breathing people that refuse to accept the moon landing. I vote that we take them all up to the moon to verify we've done it... And then leave them all there

-Dave

Fashion Ad-visor

The world of fashion, while not very interesting, is always changing. Bell-bottoms, jean shorts, and short ties have come and gone, taking their rightful place at the bottom of history's cedar chest.

Much of this change is probably driven by the Abercrombie & Fitches of the world, who get movie stars and pop singers to wear their clothing, thereby inspiring millions of impressionable teens to spend a fortune on the latest clothing lines. This is a very shameful aspect of our national culture- not because it is hard (and expensive) to keep up with the world of fashion, but because we continue to define ourselves by what we buy and wear.

Exhibit A:



Man in suit: looks important



Man in rag tag: looks unimportant











Of course, for all of these frustrations there are a few upsides. Many clothing items are quickly whisked away from the national scene, barely leaving a mark. Since most of what is produced today is crap, this is nice.

But this fast-paced, ever-changing sphere has left an item in the dust. And I desperately want it to come back and take it away.

I am speaking of visors...

... Visors are worn by only two types of people: old people (mostly golfers) and southern frat boys (and the occasional hybrid). Both of these demographics are irritating, and I am getting tired of seeing the uniform of senility and douchebaggery everywhere I go.

But visors are persistent. They have the sun-blocking capabilities of a baseball cap without messing up your $55 hairdo. And for an accessory to appeal to both sides of the fashion spectrum (old people, whose disconnect from the world around them ensures that they only care about function; and frat boys, who desperately try to look cool no matter how inconvenient or ridiculous), it certainly is versatile.

Unfortunately visors are also really annoying. I'm quite sure that most car accidents happen when people are wearing visors (and driving 15 mph under the speed limit). I'm also sure that most date rapes are committed by visor-toting individuals.

I think the need to abolish the visor speaks for itself (because its proponents would most likely repeat themselves incessantly or say "duuuuddee" a lot).

-Dave

Cheeeeeese

...Okay, well it wasn't a 95-mph fastball, but atleast it got there and didn't require that he then got hooked up to an oxygen mask.

-Dave

Strike One

It is funny watching someone do something that they suck at.

In the world of baseball's ceremonial first pitches, this happens a lot. Americans have witnessed countless famous people step up to the mound and disappoint the entire nation with a pathetic effort to hurl a 5-ounce ball 60 feet to the plate. We have repeatedly been willing to couch our expectations and applaud their efforts, trying desperately to picture the hurler as the star we once knew and not the pathetic sack of bones on the TV screen before us. We are tremendously gracious.

But, just as there are some drawings that a young child brings home that simply do not belong on the fridge, there have been many ceremonial first pitches that test the limits of our graciousness and tolerance:

• Mariah Carey: The ball barely cleared her toes before falling to the ground about 55 feet shy of home plate in her 2008 toss in San Fransisco.
• Mark Mallory: For his 2007 home-opener for the Reds, the mayor of Cincinnati threw the ball into Cleveland
• Adam Carolla: I'm not sure he could hit water from a boat. Also, the Man Show sucked.
• Dick Cheney: For his ceremonial first pitch, Mr. Cheney came up a little short. He should probably stick to hunting.

...Of course, tonight could change everything. President Obama will be tossing out the first pitch at the 2009 All Star Game from St. Louis. Mr. Obama, a long time White Sox fan and a talented athlete, has again elevated expectations that honor may be restored to the ceremony of a first pitch.

And, providing that the President throws the ball in the general direction of home plate, you can expect the Washington Nationals to extend a contract offer to the hometown lefty. Their team ERA is currently right up there with Obama's approval ratings...

-Dave

A Letter

Dear NC Governor Bev Purdue,

I wanted to express my strong opposition to the tax increases that you recently proposed to help balance the state's budget. Such taxes could forever damage our state's economy and make us more like Communist China. To solve the economic crisis here at home, we just need to do a little house cleaning. I offer the following suggestions for places to cut spending:

1. Education- NC ranks 45th nationally in the quality of our secondary schools and 40th in expenditures per pupil. We have a little breathing room here. We are not completely at the bottom. I think we can probably settle for the older editions of textbooks ("National Economic Theory: 1980-2008 Edition" and "Rove and Cheney's Climate Change Science for Lawmakers: Shorter than ever before!") to cut our costs.
   
2. Healthcare- We have the 7th highest infant mortality rate. That's practically a double-digit ranking! Perhaps we are currently spending too much on fancy technology and vaccinations. I think we should reuse needles, double-up patients in hospital beds, and stop giving our kids so many expensive shots. After all, when was the last time you heard about someone getting polio?
3. Energy use- Its time to stop importing all of our oil from overseas. I'm sure we have some oil to drill for right here in NC. Or coal. And I know for a fact we have a lot of forests that are stock full of wood to burn. Seems like a no-brainer to me!
   

I hope you will take my suggestions into account as you move forward. NC has to live up to its rich history of hard work and economic prosperity that is in no way tied to social status or an unfair exploitation of ethnic minorities. Placing absurd taxes on discretionary items unfairly punishes those of us who have worked a little harder.

I am particularly offended by the potential tax on "luxury services" like cosmetic surgery, limos, and chartered flights that will soon be voted on in the state house. These are three of the few remaining items that make us feel isolated from the current economic crisis. Establishing a tax on our fake boobs and private transportation will make us feel a little more like everyone else. Point of information: If I take a chartered flight and then a limo to my cosmetic surgery appointment, will I be taxed three times? That is simply not fair.


Sincerely,
Rich People


P.S. Please find enclosed a wad of $100's.

-Dave

A True Bailout...

Reenactment of a conversation at Nevada Senator John Ensign's dinner table:

Mom/Dad: Hi Johnny. How was your day?

JE: It was okay... Hey mom and dad, can I borrow $96,000?

Mom/Dad: Hmm... what for?

JE: Well, I've been having an extramarital affair for the last 9 months with someone that works for me. I've pursued her pretty relentlessly and it has really torn her marriage apart. I want to pay her and her family $96,000 to keep things quiet and I know that if the money comes from my wallet, that would be bad news. What do you say?

Mom/Dad: ...Okay.

... Seems like the workings of a bad hollywood drama, but this is real life! That's right, Nevada Republican Senator John Ensign recently disclosed an affair he had been having with Cynthia Hampton- a former member of his staff. And the story that is unfolding is worthy of a movie (co-starring Mark Sanford??). Ensign's parents wrote the Hamptons a check for almost $100K after they left his staff (they both used to work for him).

If you are still a little unsure about who Sen. Ensign is, here are a few facts that may jog your memory:

• He serves on the Senate Committee on Rules and Administration
  
• He received a 100% rating by the Christian Coalition (founded by Pat Robertson) for his pro-family voting record (2003)
• He eloquently stated in a 2006 senate debate:
  

My Nevada roots go back to my great-grandparents, who settled our state in the early 1900s. They created and passed down a work ethic and values of have integrity that I have embraced my entire life. I’ve tried to instill those Nevada values in my own children. We need proven Nevada leadership to keep Nevada strong. We need leaders with a deep understanding of our state. We need proven Nevada leadership to keep Nevada strong.

... But this hypocrisy and bigotry are becoming very common on the right side of the aisle. The amazing thing here is that his parents forked over almost $100,000 dollars to fund his extramarital affair! They were accomplices in his hypocrisy and players in his infidelity.

Forget the "birds and the bees" talk- asking mom and dad to help you out with that one must be incredibly awkward...

-Dave

Zing!

Disagreement often breeds awkwardness. Check out Exhibit A...

... How do you respond to that??

So in honor of Mr Baldwin, we will start a list of famous people (or atleast recognizable ones) who claim to stand for one thing and live quite another... Feel free to add your own

Jack Cafferty
Mark Sanford (SC gov. with a conservative mind and a liberal penis)
Bill O'Reilly (check this out)
...

Beating a very dead horse...

Here is CNN's web page from two days ago, doctored up a bit... Apparently something happened with Michael Jackson.

California...knows how to party

I realize many of our readers are California based, and therefore, may be a little more sympathetic to the Michael Jackson hubbub. After all, he does represent the three major pillars of the California lifestyle:

1. Debt- Ah yes. MJ's highly anticipated tour in Europe was going to help chip away at his roughly $500 million debt and get him back into the black (not like that)... If only California could dance.
2. Excess- It goes hand in hand with debt. But in the case of both MJ and Cali, a little debt is no reason to curb excesses. Jackson was carried into his $2.5 million memorial service in a golden coffin. The voters of California keep passing referendums for infrastructure and social programs without having the money to fund them.
   
3. Refusal- Again, a tag-along of debt and excess. In the case of Cali, its refusing to pay an extra penny in taxes to fund the crumpling schools, public transportation systems, environmental services, and social programs that seem to get approved every time there is a vote. In the case of MJ, its about relationships: Billie Jean is not his lover. The kid is not his son.

... So its commendable that CNN keeps the MJ news coming. Because when I check my text messages for breaking news, I certainly don't want to hear about global warming, healthcare reform, foreign policy, the war in Iraq, technological terrorism, the economic recession, the national budget, or environmental disasters. I want a 140-character message about golden coffins and white gloves. Yea, some of that California shit.

-Dave (fully acknowledging that Raw may kill me for this)

MJ...More BREAKING NEWS

Here is another one. No joke...

CNN Breaking news - At memorial service in L.A., Michael Jackson's daughter Paris says he was "the best father you could ever imagine."

-Dave

MJ

The previous post is a text message I received from CNN (I am subscribed to receive all Breaking News reports).Thank goodness for hard-hitting journalism...

...CNN has continued to update me throughout the service...

1:59 pm: CNN Breaking News- Ushers at Michael Jackson's memorial pass around pairs of MJ's underwear for crowd to sniff.

2:03 pm: CNN Breaking News- Atleast 200 people crying at Michael Jackson's memorial. Everyone is paying attention to the service and seems fixated at the golden coffin on stage.

2:09 pm: CNN Breaking News- Michael Jackson is still dead

-Dave

BREAKING NEWS!!

Text message update:

CNN Breaking news - Michael Jackson's golden coffin is placed in front of the stage as his memorial service gets under way in Los Angeles.

Job Applications- Part I

I have been applying for a lot of jobs lately. The process is tremendously agonizing, and I can only begin to describe the sense of worthlessness that materializes when you are staring at your cursor blink incessantly from line 27 of your resume...

For starters, the task of sifting through your life and making it fit on a single piece of paper is daunting and humbling. This is true for obvious reasons- we wont get into them in any detail here. Writing a resume is a 3-hour, 400-word reminder that you suck.

So in order to make the process less aweful and more interesting, I am recommending a few changes to take immediate effect:

(1) Allow pictures. According to folklore, pictures are worth one thousand words. Its also true that pictures take less time to read than their literary equivalent. Allowing photographs and hand-drawn images would reveal much more about the applicant, and would take much less time to review.

An example: "... I worked tirelessly in all aspects of office development including: staff management, training, payroll, hiring, basic office logistics, tracking correspondence, and developing a comprehensive organizational system to promote efficiency." vs. this.

(2) Two truths and a lie. We all know the old game where you list off three "facts" about you (only 2 of which are true) and make other players guess which one is a lie. It occupied us on thousands of road trips growing up and continues to be a favorite icebreaker at office outings around the country. So why not bring it to the application process. If carried out properly, it would surely spark interest in a candidate and give them a chance to be noticed.

An example:

Manager, John and John's Office Supplies May 2004-August 2007
- Tracked payroll, managed staff, and conducted all hiring for this company
- Awarded employee of the month 6/06 and 3/07

Human Resources Specialist, Innovate Inc. June 2000-April 2004
- Responsible for hiring publications, application review, administering interviews
- Typing 70 wpm, familiar with Microsoft Word and Excel

King of England, England April 1737- April 1755
- Oversaw advancement and growth of the British Empire
- Comfortable with many important monarchical tasks including: appointing team of advisors, troop deployment, giving really big speeches, thwarting colonial attempts at secession, conducting public beheadings, wearing heavy jewel-studded crown.


(3) Hidden messages. Everybody can write messages that mean something. But most people can't write messages that mean multiple things. Hidden messages are an excellent way for applicants to convey a depth of character that would otherwise be absent in a normal resume. Plus they are really cool.

An example:

"While at the company, I used a variety of organizational techniques to keep documents in order. My work for our firm made me skilled and able to improve the lives of my coworkers."

... on the surface, that seems perfectly normal. But if you look a little closer, you will see something more. And perhaps something of value to the potential employer...

"While at the company, I used a variety of organizational techniques to keep documents in order. My work for our firm made me skilled and able to improve the lives of my coworkers."

... The current dance between potential employer and prospective employee has gotten stale and unexciting. These simple additions can have potentially important benefits for both parties. I suggest that employers begin to welcome these changes immediately (and, for my benefit, retroactively).

-Dave

Words are Funny

Courting someone and bringing someone to court have entirely different meanings...

-Dave