Chopstick Lessons Part III: and by 'I Do' I Mean 'What the Hell'

Of the seven servers at the restaurant three of them are women -all of them attractive and pleasant to work with but each with a completely different personality. The guys are pretty laid back, again each distinct but with a roughly similar sense of humor. There is plenty of joking and teasing getting flung around at any given moment but sometimes things can turn serious and they did for me this week.

Antonia is a very cute young lady with asian features whom hails from a Slavic country. She can seem confused at times but underneath her timid exterior is a brilliant young lady who is trying to figure out how to lead the life she wants and juggle the expectations of her homeland at the same time. A few days ago Antonia approached me during some down time and asked me, “Robert would you marry for money?”

I responded “No way, If I ever tie the knot it will be for love.”

She sighed and looked down at her toes. After a second she raised her head again and asked, “I mean would you marry me if I pay you, my visa is expire soon and I do not want to leave this country. If you yes you would be hero to me”. She explained a little bit more of the details to me but they were not really getting into my head, I was waiting for the big obvious glaring reason to not do it to rear its ugly head… it didn’t. I mean yeah I would have to stay married to her for 2 years so she could remain afterwards but that didn’t mean I couldn’t keep living my life and dating like normal. She was willing to pay me a small amount but it wasn’t about the money, she was obviously desperate for help so I told her I’d think about it. The funny thing is I’d already made up my mind to say yes.

That night I dreamt of kissing her. It was not a sexual dream it was just a nice pleasant kiss that was backed with a hefty amount of emotion. It was akin to a kiss you’d give your significant other on your wedding day. I woke up and for a second I was thinking that the proposition and the kiss were all a dream. Then I realized that, no, Antonia had actually asked me to marry her and I was going to tell her yes.

We had drinks after work to confirm my answer and discuss the details. I told her some background information about me and why I was okay with the idea and then I looked her in the eye and said, “yes, I’ll do it”. The look on her face was not quite what I expected at first. For an instant she looked like she didn’t believe me or that she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I gave her a wincing smile –the kind you give to someone when you’re asked a question and you reluctantly nod in the affirmative. Then it came, a pleasant smile laced heavily with gratitude. “Wow, right there,” I thought, “if all I get out of this is that one smile I’ll be okay with it.”

We then began the process of getting to know each other a little more. We each took turns aimlessly flinging questions at each other knowing that we needed to know everything to sell this act so we might as well ask anything. The topics jumped around from ideas of love, to places to travel. We discussed our backgrounds, and faults and personal philosophies but each time we scratched the surface of a topic we moved on –having no context to keep us on a linear conversational path.

I told her she was beautiful.

She blushed.

'If I’m going to marry a woman, for whatever reason, I’m going to tell her how beautiful she is every chance I got.' I’d decided –I was making a lot of decisions tonight.

We walked home towards the T stop and I told her I was going to stop in the restaurant to confirm something with our boss. She looked disappointed so I said screw it and walked her to the T. I was headed the same direction anyways and when I got on the T with her she smiled brightly and exclaimed “You come on train with me too!?” I smiled back and nodded. I wanted to wrap my arm around her but didn’t. We talked about who we’d invite and I was about to ask her what flavor wedding cake she would like when we got to my stop, I offered to ride home with her then backtrack but she said that’d be silly and I departed feeling strange. When I got to my final T stop I walked in to the nearest bar and ordered a shot, I threw it back, tipped the barkeep a buck and sparked a cigarette before I was even completely outside.

You see it in movies and comedy shows where people will take a drink when they hear crazy news to “take the edge off”. That was first time I had ever l had a drink literally for that purpose. I’m glad it worked long enough for me to fall asleep.

To be continued…

-Raw

Chopstick Lessons Part II: Tale of two Uncles

In many asian cultures it is customary to call people your parents age or in a position of authority auntie or uncle. This holds true at the Asian Bistro I work at. We have Sushi Uncle and Kitchen Uncle. Sushi Uncle is a mustachioed old man who moves with little wasted effort and ultra fine precision when making sushi and I often stand behind the bar watching him create beautiful food that he obviously takes pride in. Once he was in the kitchen and accidentally nudged a plate of dessert I had prepped. The maraschino cherry went rolling to the other side of the plate leaving a trail of cherry syrup behind and messing up my flawless presentation. He then peered around in both directions before using his chopsticks to place the cherry back where it belonged. He looked again to see if anyone had caught him and when he say me looking on he burst in to laughter and put his hand up as if to say “okay okay you caught me.” It’s the kind of playful attitude he displays all the time when offering up bites of left over maki or a slice of fish right off of the blade of his knife.

Kitchen Uncle is a whole other beast. His face is sagging like a mean mean bull dog and permanently scowling. His voice is always booming and cutting through the air like a dull knife through bone. His eyes release photons of contempt which the staff desperately try to evade at all cost. Never does he sound pleasant or happy with anyone or anything, even if he is just asking you “Veggie dumpling or Pork Dumpling?” As far as I can tell he’s saying “I’m going to cut you up with this cleaver and make dumplings out of YOU dipshit!” In fact I’m sure that’s what he’s thinking. Having to tell him something needs to be remade is a suicide mission. Sometimes the look on his face is so incredibly affected you’d think having to make the pad thai again with no “shrimps” causes him physical harm. When he leaves I always make it a point to say goodnight with a smile on my face hoping that he won’t cut the corners of my mouth with the aforementioned cleaver. When he’s gone the rest of the kitchen staff actually talks to us servers and seems to enjoy themselves and even though he can speak Chinese I often wonder if they even understand him when he’s barking at the walls. I guess Sushi Uncle and Kitchen Uncle are kind of the yin and yang of the restaurant. Wait no scratch that because in that philosophy both the yin and yang have redeeming traits. Wow, that’s too bad, it would have been a poetic way to end this post, instead I guess I just work with an asshole chef.

To be continued...

-Raw

Chopstick Lessons Part I

I have a day job. I serve people over priced Asian food at a “bistro” in metropolitan Boston. There’s a sushi bar and a wall that is a stone fountain. The typo peppered menu of decent asian favorites ranging from phở to pad thai and from crispy curry duck to kimchi steak is tiring to read but does somehow manage to hide the actual similarity of all the dishes. The restaurant could do a lot better if it stopped trying to be fine dining in the midst of so much glam and glitz of its neighborhood. The money saved on running the fountain alone would be enough to cover a bus boy’s pay twice over. Nix the bad asian techno, the leather-bound menu pretense, the bottle of Johny Walker Blue no one ever touches and the insane mark up on simple dishes like lo-mein and it could even be considered a gem.

Critique aside I like it. The cast that runs the place is as colorful as any motley crew. Staffed by Chinese cooks in the kitchen, an Indonesian and two Vietnamese managers and bussers and servers that hail from all over Asia not a day goes by where something interesting doesn’t happen. If the Vietnamese sushi chef and Chinese kitchen chef need to communicate they do so in english –which neither of them speak more than a few hundred words of. I may not be able to understand the words under the thick accents all the time but they seem to and for the most part things seem to run pretty smoothly. This kind of english-bridged conversation takes place constantly and I can’t help but derive joy from the awkwardness it creates.

Another quirk to the job is the blatantly obvious fact that I am the only caucasian employee. This can sometimes lead to humorous situations, and well yes, plenty of awkward moments.

My first day on the job we sat down at nine to eat a family style dinner of spicy chicken pieces in nameless sauce over rice with stir-fried vegetables on the side. A waitress who had been training me came out to hand us each utensils and deliver condiments to the table. She out stretched her arm one at a time, handing red sleeves of bamboo to each person. Chop stick, chop stick, chop stick, fork, chop stick, chop stick.

“Damn!” I thought. “ye have little faith.” I didn’t say anything, I may have grumbled under my breath a little but I just got up and got myself some chop sticks. I guess I couldn’t blame her for thinking whitey would prefer a fork. When I sat back down I doused my rice with a good portion of sriracha to spice up my food. The waitress looked first at my bowl, then at me, “You like spicy!?!?” she asked shocked.

“Damn!” I thought again, “Stereotypes are a bitch!”

I proceeded to add even more sriracha and chili oil just for good measure. I was determined to nip these false assumptions in the bud from day one. I also drank what seemed like 48 glasses of water that night. So they may know I can use chop sticks and can handle or even prefer spicy food but they probably also think I have a bladder problem.

To be continued…

-Raw

Scathing scrappy scissor sisters shamelessly scuffle

Nights out are great. People drinkin' and eatin' and laughin' and talkin' and carrying on an' shit. Every once in a while though a night comes along unexpectedly and turns into a royal shit show. Last night was one of those nights. It started off subtle, then it was blatant.... then it was just over the fuckin' top son, Over the fuckin' top.

I got out from work around 11 and headed to a bar a few blocks away to meet up with some friends who had just gotten in to town. I was nervous though because many people that I used to work with were there and there were more than a few I was trying to avoid. Luckily no one I was avoiding was there and my buddy Amy proceeded to buy me a drink and a shot. So far so good. The night continued and my buddy Walter and I proceeded to order a shot of well whiskey, the well turned out to be Jack and Walter turned to caution me "Jack is my kryptonite dude, just warning ya."

After the shot we headed outside for a smoke and were joined by Amy after being scolded by Rebecca for partaking in such a dirty habit. About 28.5 seconds after we stepped out side Walter spoke, "Damn, I feel like I'm gunna blow..." too late, he'd ralphed on the sidewalk not 5 ft from a garbage can. The bouncer then stepped around the corner and told him "You might as well start walking now cuz your not coming back in." Damn, booted.

Walter and I then left Amy and Rebecca and headed over to the TAM, where they had all started their night and we ordered some Brubakers and a couple of shots of tequila, "see I'm fine with tequila I just can't do Jack man."

"I know buddy, I know"

The ladies then came strolling in and joined us as we talked about the novel Walter is working on. We downed some more tequila and put on our coats to leave before the T stopped running. Walter and I exited first to have a cig as we walked. As Walter stepped through the threshold a very haggard looking lady shoulder shoved him, then she took a step back, and shoulder shoved him two more times.

It was really odd, I immediately knew I'd be posting about that moment and made a comment about it to Walter as he gave me a dumbfounded look. He then looked at me and said "That bitch was crazy!" and when I looked behind us, she was back and standing right behind him. She came at us with a crazy look in her eye but she didn't go towards Walter she came at me... and my cigarette. "Give your cigarette man!" she exhaled. Now I usually always bum out cigs but this lady had just shoved my buddy for no reason... three times! So I said "Fuck no I'm not giving you a cigarette!" and she immediately wrapped both of her arms around mine and pretended to eat my arm like it was a corn on the cob. I looked up at Walter because I didn't know what in the FUCK to do and he just stared, half laughing at me and said "Dude you got aids now."

I wasn't amused yet because just then the ol' witch wrapped her knees around me and started to hump me like a rabid chihuahua and continued to beg me "Come on man give me a cigarette and I'll give you a lil' somethin' somethin'" Why do I only ever get propositioned by crazy toothless women? I then proceeded to peel the lady off of me while trying not to break or let her get her hands on my cigarette. It took a good half a minute to do so too! She was fuckin' desperate.

Our lady friends eventually came out and we continued to walk along Tremont street as I told them the story of the crazy arm eating hip humping cigarette fiend. As we waited for the T I noticed Rebecca was a little red, we had definitely had our fare share of drinks. We boarded the train, it was only quarter full but we stood and joked as it pulled out of the station.

Now this part of the story is kind of a blur but I'm going to do my best to retell it. Somehow we were betting each other over who could stand with out moving there feet or touching anything to prop you self up with. After establishing the rules we were a go! Walter and I were first to loose our balance as the train turned, fallowed shortly by Rebecca. Amy had won but Becca wasn't having it, she wanted to go again. Becca quickly tried to sabotage Amy by pushing her and this went back and forth until, before we knew it, they were in a full scale wrestling match on the floor of the train as people gawked at our immaturity. At the next stop the train emptied completely -except for one guy who was trapped in by Amy and Rebecca.

I could not believe what I was seeing! Two grown women were trying to pin each other at half past midnight on Bostons public transportation system... and we have the video to prove it!

Notice how Rebecca is loosing until she manages to put Amy in a scissor lock and flip her over! Smoothe moves!


As Walter filmed the shenanigans the trapped guy pulled out his cell phone and started documenting the spectacle as well. Soon the we pulled into Davis square and the train doors opened, I quickly scribbled down my email on a piece of paper and told the trapped guy to send me anything he'd gotten.

The next day I got two pictures sent to my email, you came through bro! Thanks!

When we got home they started up again. I think one of them cunt-punched the other at some point. It was quite ridiculous, but very very entertaining! I wish you could have been here to see it Dave! Come back soon the AwkWord needs you!

-Raw

My cousin, Furia Martinez.

My cousin Furia is a riot. She's all sorts of awkward and she knows it. First off she's a lanky Mexican -so she's a walking contradiction. There is also the fact that she's a bit of a boozer -the harmless kind though. My uncle had to put her in a shopping cart and wheel her home after a night out for her 24th birthday. Then at age 28 she was hosting a friend and her husband in San Francisco for a weekend and when they arrived home from the bar the husband insisted the two ladies sleep in the bedroom -he was going to stay up and he'd take the couch. Well Maria woke up alone the next morning, she'd pissed her pants, bed and friend in her drunken doze.

The Maria Effect

What's more awkward, things are always happening to us when we're together. I was there when her dad (a base ball bat behind the front door kind of guy) walked in the room where her first boyfriend was standing. He ordered everyone out and went on to literally ask him "what are your intentions with my daughter?" We ran as fast as we could to get my aunt to call back the rabid animal that was my uncle in that moment. Poor kid, I'm surprised he didn't piss his pants. Needless to say we all went home early that night.

Zoo Animal for a Day

There's the time when we were hiking with my brother and an older gentlemen standing on a small hill on the trail ahead of them pointed at her and spoke to his wife "Look darling, it's a little Indian girl." What the fuck? I still try to wrap my head around why the guy thought it was okay to point, assume and declare.

The Amtrak Incident

This guy gets on the loud speaker mumbling into the phone, no one could understand what's being said and then suddenly he anunciantes "Where the FUCK am I!?" A drunk had commandeered the PA while simultaneously realizing he'd missed his stop. The parents were covering there kids ears and conductors were running up and down the train looking for the burping belligerent. It was awesome and I would like to think it was Furia's awkward voodoo charm that had brought the whole incident on.

YOU! Yeah you over there in the corner... what's his face!?

She also has this thing with names, my grandmother has it too. She can't ever remember peoples names and will go through an entire list of family before coming to the right one. Because of this she calls everyone by one of four nick names, Dar, Tard, Butt and Dog. Fortunately Butt and dog are exclusive to her sister and brother. Unfortunately all her friends think my name is Dar.

Feminine Feline Frenetics

Even her cat is fucking awkward! It'll sneak in to the bathroom and play with your feet while you shower -completely unafraid to get wet as most cats are. It also waits on the back of couches and jumps with full force at people's throats as they come out of the bedroom. From an onlookers point of view the scene is so absurd you'd swear you were looking at a Muppet act out a death scene but alas, there is no hand up little Kit's ass.

A tale of Two Pussies

Speaking of cats, her bass playing on again off again boyfriend is awkward too. He's a great guy but their relationship is something out of an early Kevin Smith movie. He was planning on going to visit her the other day and he called saying "My kitty's being awfully playful, I don't know if I can leave it." An hour later he calls back "The kitty fall asleep, I think I can come over now." Yet another 'what the FUCK!?' moment in the life of Furia.

I love you cousin. I'll come back to SF so we can share even more awkward moments soon.

-Raw

Some people leave flowers...

It's amazing how often poo comes up in conversation in this household. Another friend of ours took an awkward shit yesterday. She was in town to canvass here in the Boston area and was running out of houses to visit, and she really had to drop some kids off at the pool. This friend, we'll call her Kelly Gifford, could not find a "pool" to drop the kids off in, so she let them play in a field instead... and by field a mean cemetery. She avoided defecating on a grave by choosing a spot near a tree and used her organization's door literature to wipe. Kudos to you free wheeling women out there who arent afriad to squat drop and groan.

-Raw

One embarrassing moment leads to another.

A friend of mine was hosting a co-worker at her house who was in town on business. A few days later she thought her house guest had left for home and was less then thorough in picking up after herself. Upon arriving home that evening she found her roommate on the couch next to the open door to her bedroom which contained her bed that had her vibrator sitting on it. Ouch... cringe... haHA! Did the house guest spy the ragged rod or not!? You be the judge!

The same friend showed up in Boston a couple of days ago and we were going over her embarrassing moment. I asked her how big it was and she proceeded to use her fingers spaced apart to indicate the phoney member's length. When her fingers reached a distance from each other roughly the length of a baby gherkin she said "like this, it's small" I instinctively replied "Hey that's average!"

DOH!

-Raw

The best easter egg of all...

Just a little awkward celebration for the holiday weekend...

Grab your partner...


-Dave

Shaw-pping around

Just went grocery shopping at the local Shaw's.

As I was walking down the aisle to purchase some chocolate bunnies, I couldn't help but notice the advertisement playing over the loudspeaker:

"Come to Shaw's, where the prices are always low and the selection is always great!", in that deep, soothing announcer voice...

Kindof interesting. You would think that the people pushing carts around the Shaw's would not need to hear that message- that they are already pretty locked in being a Shaw's customer. Given that, you know, they are already there and all that. I certainly wasn't planning on doing my shopping anywhere else this evening.

Do a lot of people fill a cart with food and then decide to go to another store?

Its almost like the advertisements for Delta airlines that you get when you are already buckled in on the plane... Or maybe its just building up a relationship with the consumer so that they are less frustrated when the next salmonella outbreak from Shaw's peanut butter claims the life of their child.

Any ideas?

-Dave

Inception

Its time you learned about the moment the AwkWord was conceived...

Raw and I were sitting at a bar in Washington DC only a few blocks from the White House (or as we like to call it, the "Maison Blanc"- not to be confused with the "Chateau Blanc" or White Castle, where you can get 12 burgers for $3). We had discussed starting a blog, and were satisfied with the idea that our awkward experiences would be the meat of it.

In fact, by that night, Raw and I had talked about awkward moments a lot- rediculous interactions with coworkers, old sex stories, and downright unbearable situations. This particular night, Raw and I were sitting next to each other at the bar brainstorming ideas about the blog. We were using a napkin to jot down some themes, but needed a pen.

Two girls had just sat down next to us, but we were not really paying attention. I turned to one of them and asked if they had something to write with. Without much hesitance (and no awkwardness), she reached into her purse and passed me a pen. We jotted down a few ideas, and I handed back the pen. It was at this point that I got a look at them- both attractive women in either their late teens or early 20's (tsssssss... or is it "phhffffffft"?).

Being the mature person that I am, I just smiled back and thanked them. The more attractive of the two responded with a question, which I didn't hear. She hopped up and slid into the seat directly next to me...

It became immediately apparent that she was flirting with me. I can't say that I have a lot of experience with girls hitting on me, but it was pretty clear. She asked me what job I had and where I was from, and even made some remark about my accent (which I dont have). I answered all her questions, and was somewhat perplexed by her forwardness.

An aside: Ladies... you are all crazy.

After some time, the girl put her hand on my thigh and asked: "when was the last time you slept with a teenager?" (whhaaa?!?!?!?!) She then gave me the "look", summoning all of the world's energy into a stare that would have gotten James Bond to cluck like a chicken.

Ladies... you are all crazy.

I remained strong and engaged in a few more minutes of back and forth. Then, just as quickly as it started, she and her friend decided to head out to a house party. The girl grabbed the napkin we had been using to jot down blog ideas and scribbled her name and number. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and left the bar.

...The AwkWord was born.

-Dave and Raw

Well that's awkward as shit

From the vaults of the San Francisco stories archive I dust off an old favorite. Beautiful in it's simplicity and lack of grace, this is a story I love telling and putting it to hard-copy should be interesting. Ladies and gentlemen, straight from San Francisco circa 2002 I give you the story of Shit Girl!

October... wait no by this time of night is was November 2002. The streets of the Castro district, Baghdad by the bay. The throngs of genderless party people were undulating in there intoxication were beginning to disperse and taxis were no where to be found -it was going to be a trek and a half to get home. The ladies lucked out though, the guys who ran the photo booth "red cheese dot com" had offered them a ride home so we parted knowing we'd see them shortly. The red cheese guys had to drop off the photo trailer on the way and as they pulled into the warehouse the girl sitting bitch slumped over and started making noises, she was barely conscious but some how my girlfriend at the time figured out she needed to use the restroom. Our other friend in the car helped her carry the drunkard into the ladies room while the guys secured the red booth.
The two chilvarous ladies helped her undo her pants and plopped her down onto the toilet to pee. She quickly keeled over and they held her there listening to her tinkle. After a while they figured she must be done but at this point Lady PissBeth was utterly unconscious and would not budge. They then heard honking form the warehouse and new that if they wanted a ride they had to get going so the ladies formed a plan. Beth is a strong lady, so she would pick the unconscious one up off the toilet and Jen would pull up her pants and together they would drag her to the car. 1... 2... 3... go!

***Disclaimer*** if your squeemish leave... here click this - www.disney.com

As Beth lifted the dead weight off the toilet Jen reached to pull up her jeans but did not make it very far.. she screamed! Which in turn caused Beth to scream and drop the lifeless lady who fell forward on to the floor. Beth then screamed again for she now saw why Jen was screaming in the first place. El Drunko laid face down on the bathroom floor with a lincoln log of shit sticking out of her butt like a flag pole on Iwojima.

Let us take a moment to revel in the absurdity of this.

...

Okay moving on.

What follows is truly heroic. After calming down, exchanging knowing looks, and taking in a couple deep breaths (which was obviously a bad idea at the moment) the girls wadded up toilet paper, removed the feces, disposed it in the toilet and buttoned up the girl and dragged her shitty ass out of there.

Later that night she puked in my sleeping bag and moving it the next day was like lifting a plastic bag full of jello but that's neither here nor their.

Shit girl, as we call her because we cant remember her name, was a friend of a friend and was never told about her embarrassing moment -in fact if she read this she would have no idea we were talking about her. When I finally figure out her name. I'm going to have my will changed to include a tombstone inscription -It will read "Jane Do" YOU are shit girl!

-Raw

Catch and Release

It feels good to be loved. No doubt about that. Love from friends, family, spouses, and even strangers is the bees knees...sometimes.

When that love comes from a someone you work with, well that is just a recipe for awkwardness.

Some context: In the last week several people close to me at work have decided to quit their jobs. Their reasons for quitting are completely legitimate- from having to do a variety of mundane, demeaning tasks to the most obvious reason: our job fucking sucks. I support them in their decision and in many ways, I am envious of their newfound freedom. Many of our colleagues across the country have also decided to duck out.

But their departure leaves even fewer of us around. And the organization that has dragged us all through the mud over the past months is beginning to realize something is wrong with the situation. So after countless years of dismissing the "quitters" as being somehow weaker than the rest of them, they are atleast partially changing their tune.

...So now we are loved. Very loved. In a last ditch effort to make sure us "leftovers" are happy, our directors are convening meetings, hopping on conference calls, and drafting up plans to swap some of the organization rigidity that we have come to know with coolness. And its awkward as crap.

Imagine your parents throwing on a doo rag and rapping along to Tupac to show off to your friends. Its kindof like that.

My staff director talked to me about girls and baseball in the same sentence. I got two high-fives in one meeting. I think I might be able to get some of the senior staff to give me a back massage. Its like I am holding my happiness ransom, and they are making some big offers to get it released.

...The jokes on them. I will be sporting a moustache in the office next week.

-Dave

update

A barrage of posts coming your way today...

Basking in the Awkwardness Pt.1

A lot of things are awkward. Family holiday parties can be awkward. Death can be awkward. A new job is often awkward for a long while. Reuniting with old friends and loved ones is probably more often awkward then it is in the movies -with the hugs and the tears and the long back-stories. Just plain growing up is awkward, the first day of school, puberty, high school –all awkward.

Having so many awkward times in life is probably a good thing though. Without them how could we appreciate those times where we are comfortable, with close friends, or lying in bed with a loved one. Without awkward times how could one appreciate being at peace and feeling right?

Throughout life there are going to be all kinds of moments and a good chunk of them are going to be down right awkward. Many of these awkward times will arise due to sex. Whether you’re building up to the moment, or in the middle of it and something goes haywire; Whether you don't know how long to wait to go pee when the after glow diminishes or if you’re the single roommate having to hear your friends go at it then come out winking at each other to get a glass of water -when it come to sex awkward moments are abound.

Here are some examples of things that have happened to me when sex gets awkward:

When I lost my virginity...
She was obviously in pain while I was giving it my initial try so I stopped. I changed up the plan and lowered my head to please her in other ways but she grabbed me by my ears and demanded that I stop being gentle and get it over with. In the end it was her pulling me down to her that performed the hymens Coup d'état. If you ever want to know how loosing your virginity could be emasculating... well here's one way.

A few months later...
She wanted to fuck standing up. I had her ass in my hands and her legs were wrapped around me. I asked her to put her arms around my head. I was going to take three steps to the wall and use it to brace her so I could move enough to do the job right. I told her to wrap her arms around my head. I was looking forward to this for a while, this manly position was redeeming and I was happy and I wanted to make her happy. I told her to put her arms around my head! She didn't. As I went to take the first step she fell backwards. Her shoulders hit the stuccoed wall at about the height of my stomach. her legs were still wrapped around me, my hand could only grasp her ass tighter. Her shoulders slid down the wall making a low sandpaper sound and there on the floor her shoulders came to rest, neck tweaked forward, her chin on her chest and her leg still wrapped around me. I told her to wrap her god damned arms around my head. We broke up a few months later, it would be 3 years before I attempted that maneuver again.

Wrong wrong wrong...
I think this has happened to a lot of people and it's pretty painful so I wont overly expound on the topic. I do want to say that most often it is really an accident ladies. I mean there are guys out there who will play "woops" but if your fucking that kind of an ass hole, well then yours probably had it comin'. And guys, be fuckin' careful, always ask for permission and go slow when assuming the about face. If you fuck up a 2nd time she should be allowed to stick a cucumber up yours and hit it with a hammer three times. Put yourself in her position.

Non-relationship sex -a shitty situation...
It's all fine and dandy to jump up and pee, smoke a cigarette and grab a sandwich on your way back when your in a relationship but post coitus is a tricky beast when scampering in the realm of casual sex.
About a year ago I was having a one night stand and I had to use the restroom. We were spooning and our legs were intertwined. I tried to release myself but her thighs tightened their grip telling me "nah uh uh, not yet." Then came the stomach grumble, shit!, I didn't just have to pee. I eventually feigned thirst and got up to "fetch a glass of water" I stopped in the bathroom on the way back and realized that every noise made would be audible in the next room. I had to take my time in order to not have to face her post-audible-bowel-movement. If I took too long, however, she would surely start suspecting the true intent of my getting out of bed; or worse, think that something "was wrong". I was in no way prepared to hear a knock on the door and a tentative voice say "is something wrong? are you okay in there?" I am a nervous person and soap bottles and freshener canisters would sure have been knocked over. Crap, there was another problem, how was I supposed to mask the sound of the air freshener? How was I supposed to NOT use it? Damn, I needed to get home. Fortunately a friend called my phone about the time I was leaving the restroom. I told my date it was an emergency and left before she could get out of bed. Leaving her with only a distant kiss on the forehead. I wonder if this makes me an asshole.

The "not getting any" awkward sex moment...
Coming home to the sound of your roommates screwing is always awkward. Even if your a pretty open person and don't care or feel awkward for yourself the noise you make surely has an effect on the lovebirds. If you make too much noise you could scare them into stopping and if you're too quiet they could not realize your home and things could escalate. Walking this line can be tricky but given a certain level of maturity with all parties involved no overly awkward moment should come from it. Sometimes though, people just don't get it and sometimes all the maturity in the world doesn't smooth over a situation.
To my friend, who will remain nameless, that time that my girlfriend and I were done screwing but someone was still panting. We know it was you in the next room, by yourself. Yes, we heard you and that, well that was awkward. Try not to do that to your roommates of the future.

to be continued...

LIVE TONIGHT! DAVE IN A 5 HOUR THREESOME!

LIVE ON FRIDAY APRIL 3rd!

***Last UPDATE 1:07am (sat)***

Dave's on a mission tonight folks. He is on a date with, not one, but TWO Wellseley girls at the annual semi-formal. Afterwords he will be attending a frat party at MIT. This can only become one things ladies and gentlemen... awkward as fuck. David will be posting message (via cellphones, PDA's and yours truly) through out the night. Stay tuned for up to the minute updates on the shenanigans.


7:30 Train ride over. Nothing too awkward yet. sitting next to old man who keeps looking at my crotch

9:30 Pregaming in dorm Saw a girl in underwear. got stared at. owning shit. drunk

9:52 Urinated in womans bathroom. Made sure to put seat back down

10:18 Okay we just got to the "dance". Just 1000 women sitting around talking about "gayest socity on campus". HAHAHAHA 3 other men here. Not sure about the other one

10:53 AWK count: 4 people have refused to make eye contact...
DJ is playing Beyonce "all the single ladies" HA!

11:13 Grinded up on 2 girls. Don't they think liked it. Dude winked at me. I so belong here.

12:21 Frat Party at MIT just got busted. Frat guys (ish) and cops. Hillarious combo. Lots of math. And tiny penises

12:25 rent-a-cops guarding entrance did not take kindly to rent-a-cop joke. discussing plan b

12:29 just got snuck in the back door. There is a large fake gorilla in the entry way. Kind of strange. it's awesome in a weird way.

12:30 Finally was more dudes. They are extra honry and extra douchey. One guy has no sleeves. I think he likes math

12:40 Top floor of frat, guys pretending to smoke weed. Like 9 girls wearing white undershirts. If babie will be made they will be smart and trampy.

12:46 hahaha not kidding this is unreal. Stupidest people ever. one just said her name for a toast. wow

12:52 just made a toast to pi. everyone loves math here.

1:07 UV blue shots and hits of weed! I think one dude has a pony tail. Tell me you are getting this

Tough Break

I saw our downstairs roommate tying his mattress to the roof of his car this past weekend. I asked him where he and his girlfriend were moving to. He told me she was staying...

Whoops.

-Dave

Public Alley #2

A friend of mine, let's call her... Lady Topinos, sent me this text message Tuesday night.

So i may or may not
have just pooped in
a paper bag in an
alley by the office
and when i stood up
two waiters were
standing there
smoking on their
break. i ran

Isn't that a bag of laughs.
This kind of shit happens to her all the time.
Okay, I'll stop talking crap about her.

-Raw

April Drools...

In case you didn't figure it out yesterday's post by Dave was an April Fools joke.

-Raw

No shirt, no shoes, no service

Awkward moments make people slur their words, feel dizzy, and get sick to their stomachs. Apparently, so does Vodka...

I was summoned to the living room at roughly 6am this past Saturday to find Raw in a pseudo-conscious stupor. Of course, this wouldn't be entirely abnormal, were it not for the fact that he was covered in a sticky layer of his own vomit. His head was bowed as if almost in prayer, and a long string of drool connected his chin to his knee.

Four hours earlier, Raw had taken the initiative to pour a tall glass of Vodka and drink it in one gulp (yes, initiative- no one else was going to do it). It comes as no surprise that this glass was not the first time Raw and alcohol had interacted that evening. To those who witnessed it, it would have seemed more like the grand finale. But, always the showman, Raw decided to wait a few hours for that...

"Raw, you okay there bud?"

No answer.

"C'mon Raw, lets clean this stuff up."

[Long pause]

"O...k"

... I find it pretty hilarious that the awkwardness of the evening actually fell into my lap. Witnessing a friend in a state of need, I was compelled to help in any way that I could. In this case, it was to clean up puke- and help Raw strip.

His shirt was fairly easy to get off, and Raw seemed more than happy to part with it. I tossed it across the room with the dirty towels. Then came the pants. I asked him to take them off. His hands moved to his belt, and he began to fiddle with it. But the Vodka had significantly impaired his motor skills (you might as well have asked him to solve a rubix cube). So it was my turn.

I leaned down and reached for his belt line. At first, I felt like a kid slow dancing at prom, trying to make sure that our heads didn't awkwardly bump as we got closer. But then I realized I was trying to take off his pants, and I didn't feel quite as awkward about the head thing. Sure enough, after some coaching, loosening, and pulling, I managed to remove Raw's pants and toss them with the shirt and towels in the corner.

Throughout the entire de-pantsing, Raw giggled like a girl scout.

As easy as it seems to poke fun at him for the whole incident (and believe me, I have), it is evident to me that I was the one who cleaned up his puke, took off his pants, and whispered words of encouragement throughout the whole ordeal. Sure, he didn't exactly hold on to his dignity (or his dinner), but he wasn't the one playing daddy.

You gotta hand it to Raw, he could have filled a swimming pool with that stuff. I'm pretty glad he didn't, but there's a spot on the couch that will always remind me that I was the awkward one.

-Dave